Apparently Insane Asylums Aren't Family Friendly

Batman is easily one of the most widely recognizable comic book characters in the world, arguably second only to Superman. So when Batman Arkham Asylum was announced, I got really psyched for it - a dark, grim tone, an in-depth story, use of all of Batman's gadgets and the voice actors from the animated series? i couldn't get my hands on this game fast enough. Evidently, this wasn't acceptable for some people. Which brings me back to Family Friendly Gaming (FFG). They have more than a few complaints about the game, most of which are incredibly stupid. Let's get this over with.

I'm going to experiment here and change up the style from last time. Instead of direct quotes from the review, I'll summarize what is said, with an occasional quote if I want to point out something really noteworthy. I will keep my blue analysis text, but this time the summaries will be in black, with responses still in blue.

The review starts out with our reviewer, named Sam, saying that this review is one of the most anticipated and that Arkham Asylum is amazing, but that FFG doesn't "stop our reviews for these sorts of things." Instead, they review the game based on Christian values and what God says, and that Arkham Asylum has many issues.
...Seriously? You're not going to review the game on its own merits, but instead how it matches up to Christian values? You literally just said you're not going to let the quality of the game sway your opinion of the game's quality. Oh, boy, this is gonna suck...

Sam goes on the explain that Arkham Asylum's visuals are incredibly dark, and that the game is disturbing and that it can cause nightmares. He then asks "who is mentally unhinged to encourage that?"
If this guy ever played Resident Evil, Dead Space or Eternal Darkness, he would have a mental breakdown. Arkham Asylum isn't scary, it's dark and gothic! The only scary parts are the Scarecrow segments, because that's what Scarecrow does!

His next complaint is about the way the female characters are dressed and about the copious amounts of violence. Sam notes that it is "in essence, the darkest versions of the comics, having the player become a vigilante."
Did it ever occur to you that Batman is a vigilante?! It's kinda his shtick. Arkham Asylum is meant to embody the tone of the comics. It has the tone of the comics, the voices and writers of the animated series, the overall visual style of the movies (the good ones) and its own original continuity to avoid plot-related issues. It's supposed to be combining the best elements of all of Batman's adaptations. Also, there are only two female characters dressed revealingly in this game - and they're both completely insane.

Sam then describes the opening cutscene because...I have no idea, and says that Joker provides comic relief, but that it is "not appropriate." We are then told that the characters swear and that they act at their most extreme, and that the lack of moderation got tiresome.
I'm going to say this one more time - the villains are insane. Literally insane, as in, they have severe mental disorders and illnesses, and thus are not going to be acting logically. Batman acts logically and intelligently, and the other, non-inmate characters also act perfectly fine. It's only the villains who act like nutjobs, which makes perfect sense.

The next paragraph just tells us that the game has a large amount of sidequests, hidden items, upgrades and extra features, and says that the game is worth the price you pay for it. However, there are concerns that the game "draws people away from God."
...What. No, really, what?! How does a video game draw you away from God? How much do you want to bet that we won't get an explanation for this beyond bitching about the violence?

Finally, we're getting close to the end. Sam notes that the controls are neat...then proceeds to talk about how one can go about avoiding violence.
Dude! What does that have to do with controls?!
Shut up, analysis text! Wait your turn. We are then told about the slowed-down combo finishers (though we're only told that "some hits" are slowed down, showing that the reviewer doesn't actually know that the slowed-down attacks are combo finishers). The review's anti-violence message is then shoved down our throats again when Sam says that "I felt horrible for all the damage my 'Batman' did the these legions of criminals."
Wait...so you felt horrible...about knocking out hordes of criminals who are trying to kill you. Not only that, but these are criminals who no doubt did something horrific to begin with, seeing as how they're in Arkham, and they've taken over an entire, fortress-like asylum. Dude, you're so detached from reality, you belong in Arkham Asylum!

Oh, thank God, final paragraph. Sam wraps up by telling us that while Batman is supposed to be a hero, he uses bad means to bring about justice, and that the game bothered his spirit. It bothers him more that people say that the game is good, and questions how "mentally absorbing all this evil and violence [draws] you closer to God."
Video games aren't meant to "draw you closer to God!" They're meant to tell engaging stories and provide a method of escape from the real world. Who doesn't want to be a colossal badass like Batman? The game is meant to be dark and stylistic, which it definitely achieves. This review would have you believe that Batman is needlessly brutal in his methods, when really the most brutal thing you can do in this game is use the explosive gel, which is specifically said to be non-lethal. Ugh, I can't take this anymore. Next week, we'll look at FFG's review of a Marvel game - Marvel Ultimate Alliance.