The Legend Of Vagueness: Skyward Sword

After a week off, I'm back to doing what I love: marathon-ing the entire Mass Effect series like a drug addict! Huh? Oh, and updating this blog, I guess...I'm kidding of course, but seriously, loved Mass Effect 3, save for that...one...part...you know which one. Anyways, we're back to FFG, and this time it's a review that is so vague, I'm surprised it didn't just consist of "I didn't like it." It's FFG's review of The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

The reviews says that SS takes the series in "some new directions," mentioning Skloft and the Loftwings, which our reviewer Frank says look like Ho-Oh.







Uh...if you squint, I guess...yeah, sure, let's give him this one

He then says that the bonding of birds and humans "with Vulcan ears" (They're called Hylians you moron!) as "two parts of the same half" (so what's the other half? Or was that just a dumbass typo?) is a reference to an eastern belief.
Well, it's a game made in Japan, so of course they'll have references to eastern beliefs. He doesn't even explain what the belief is, or even the name of it. He just says "an eastern belief." Get used to this people - he's about as vague as the plot of "Dark Void."

Other than, as I said, vagueness, the next paragraph isn't all that bad. He just compliments the graphics, saying the faces are more realistic, the colors are nice and that they add depth. Lacking details, but overall not bad.

He then mentions that the flying is cool, but the control is annoying.
Here's a hint - don't point at the screen, dippy!
I see the week off has done nothing for your attitude, analysis text. Frank complains that chasing down another bird was long and "an exercise in near futility" and that he eventually did it, but needed a break afterwards.
Dude, you're a freaking lightweight when it comes to games! That took me 5 minutes! It is literally in the first 15 minutes of gameplay, it's part of the tutorial level! You needed a break during the tutorial? Wow...that's pathetic.

And now, the part I've been dreading. Frank mentions how the game has "religious content" and says the "the goddess is all over this game." He says that he's confused as to why they didn't edit the religion for the American release, since the majority of America is Christian. He finishes the paragraph by saying that while they "have that belief over there, he thinks that "shoving it down our throats" will turn people away from the series.
All right.
1) The game is about a fantasy world. Why can't they have a fantasy religion?
2) What about the countless other people in America or other countries who practice different religions? Have you considered that they, along with many Christians, don't care about religion in freaking Zelda?3) "Have that belief over there?" No. Japan does not believe that the goddess Hylia sent a continent into the sky and fought off an army of Eldritch Abominations before sealing Demise the Demon King into the planet. You're an imbecile.
4) How does the game's in-universe religion turn people away? Does it affect gameplay? Does it stop you from practicing your own religion in any way? No? Then sit the hell down and shut the hell up.

Dude...are you okay?
I'm fine, just keep going.
All right...Frank informs us that the in-game voices are nice and that the music is "orchestra level." He then says that FFG was "provided" with a copy of SS that has an included CD of orchestrated Zelda music. Frank does not point out that this CD, along with a golden, Triforce-printed Wii Remote Plus was included in all pre-ordered copies. He then complains about lack of translation for voices, despite the fact that none of the characters say actual words.

Frank says that you go to places you've been to before, and aside from Lanayru Desert, I have to grudgingly admit he's right. You could argue that Lanayru Desert becomes fertile again and becomes part of Hyrule Field, though. He then describes the Zelda formula, as if anyone who knew anything about Zelda needed that spelled out.

Frank finally mentions that you need the Wii Motion Plus to play the game and that certain enemies can only be defeated by attacking in certain ways. He says he found this tedious.
Would you prefer only have to shake it to do basic attacks? Skyward Sword's combat system was a lot more complex than, say, Twilight Princess's.
Oh, so you're back now?
Grabbed a Pop-Tart and a root beer. I'm good to go.

Frank finally ends this review by saying Fi looks like a ghost (she's supposed to look like a robot, nimrod) and that she's not the only weird character. He then says that some "weird characters" are from previous games, and that they've all received a major graphical upgrade.
The only classic Zelda characters are Zelda, Link, the Gorons and maybe Gaepora. I may have missed a few, but yeah, it's mostly original characters in Skyward Sword. This review proves that Frank has no idea what he's doing. His points were vague and bland, he gave no explanation as to whether to avoid or buy the game, and he griped about the religious aspects, leading me to believe that if he ever played Skyrim or Baten Kaitos Origins, he'd pass out from shock.

WHERE IS YOUR ARCEUS NOW?!

They reviewed Pokemon Black and White.

And here I thought they couldn't get any worse. I mean, say what you want about WMG, at least he somewhat explains his complaints. I mean...hoo boy! This guy makes no attempt to explain what he's talking about, and for a review, that's pretty bad. I'll give them a little credit - at least they didn't say Pokemon promoted the theory of evolution or Nazism. Yes, people have said this.

"Pokemon Black and Pokemon White are essentially the same game."
*facepalm* First sentence. That was the first freaking sentence. Strap in people - this is gonna hurt.

Our reviewer, Paul, explains that the games only differ in that in Black, you catch Reshiram and fight Zekrom, and that in White, it's reversed. He then goes on to explain the Pokemon formula, and says that if you've played any other Pokemon games, you won't be too surprised by the games. Paul then explains that you don't have a rival in this game, but rather two friends who follow you around, and that it's "more like the cartoon."
This guy thinks that the GAMES are based on the ANIME?! Ow, my head hurts...Never mind the fact that, yes, you DO have a rival! Both Cheren and Biance are your rivals. That's like saying that you don't have a rival in Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald because you battle both Wally and May.

Paul then says that this generation added 150 new Pokemon (correction: 156) and that you have to beat the game before "bringing in" Pokemon from other games, but that after you beat that game, you're free to bring over Pokemon like Celebi.
2 things -
1. You don't need to beat the game to bring over an event Celebi from HG/SS. There's a place you can do that earlier in the game.
2. If he wasn't talking about the event, then who in their right mind would bring over Celebi, of all things? If anyone, most players I know import their Mewtwos, previous Gen starters and (in my case) a Deoxys. Celebi's kind of a wimp.

We are then told that the graphics have strong points and that there are certain scenes that show off the graphics. (The opening, ending and any bridge spring to mind), and that...there are tall buildings. That's it. He mentions that we can enter tall buildings.
What purpose did that serve?
None whatsoever. Paul starts complaining about the violence, and for no reason begins explaining the battle system. What? He finishes off the second paragraph by mentioning that while many Pokemon are cute, some are "hideous,' pointing out the Ghost and Psychic types.
Yes, because Gothitelle and Golett and simply terrifying to behold. At least point out which Pokemon you think are hideous! You'd probably get a lot of people agreeing with you if you mention Stunfisk...

And now for music. Paul says that the music is a "remix of standard Pokemon sounds..."
Huh? Do you mean that the music is composed of sounds the Pokemon make? (actually, that'd be kind of awesome.) Explain what you mean!
...And that you'll recognize familiar Pokemon music.
Uh, no...there are very few classic songs in Black and White.
Paul notes that level grinding is a major part of the gameplay and that it takes countless hours. He then out of nowhere starts talking about Team Plasma and...compares them to...okay, you just need to read this one.
"They remind me of the environmentalists who want all humans living in cities instead of living in harmony with nature."
Uh...I got nothin'. That collection of words has ceased to have meaning for me. It is as much a logical sentence as the church of Yevon is a legitimate religion.

How far are we...? HALFWAY THROUGH?! Be right back.
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
Okay, I'm back. My forehead will be red for a week, but other than that, I'm fine.

Anyway, let's continue. Paul says that Black and White have multiplayer, and that two to five people can play.
Wait, two to five?! The game's box says two to four! The Bulbapedia entry says two to four! Ten seconds on Google could tell you that! ...Dude, why is your forehead all red?

I fell down some stairs. After that travesty of math, Paul tells the poor souls still reading that the game is addictive, and that once you beat the game, the addiction diminishes. He spent $70 on both versions and felt he got his money's worth.
Finally, a comment that has some merit to it! For once, I agree!

Paul mentions he has one "quibble" (He's just making up words now!) against the game, and that it's the leveling up. I'll spare you an analysis of this solid block of pure stupid, I honestly doubt I could do it justice. All you need to know is that he wants Pokemon who weren't in the battle to gain EXP and that the current system just pads the game.
He's bitching about level grinding in an RPG! Is this man an alien? Seriously, nobody can review games and be this ignorant about them!

Paul wraps up by mentioning the evolution mechanic for no reason, and saying that the legendaries created the region (no they didn't) and he has no idea how they got these powers.
The same way Shedinja got semi-immortality and Wobuffet got the power to be ungodly annoying.

Paul mentions that Ghosts and Psychics are among the more powerful Pokemon in Black and White (really? Darmanitan and Excadrill say otherwise.) but that they have type weaknesses. He complains about multi-type Pokemon being annoying to fight, says he doesn't like Dark-Types...


And FINALLY ends by saying that the game requires basic reading skill and that it could be used to "assist in reading."
Or, y'know, keep small children/college students quiet in the car on a road trip. My GOD, was this wretched! He explained nothing, he made random points and had no structure to his review! He got basic facts wrong and he of course had to gripe about the Psychic, Dark and Ghost types! You're making Sableye and Gengar cry! There may not be a post next week people. This one was just...no words. I have no more words.