The Legend Of Vagueness: Skyward Sword

After a week off, I'm back to doing what I love: marathon-ing the entire Mass Effect series like a drug addict! Huh? Oh, and updating this blog, I guess...I'm kidding of course, but seriously, loved Mass Effect 3, save for that...one...part...you know which one. Anyways, we're back to FFG, and this time it's a review that is so vague, I'm surprised it didn't just consist of "I didn't like it." It's FFG's review of The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

The reviews says that SS takes the series in "some new directions," mentioning Skloft and the Loftwings, which our reviewer Frank says look like Ho-Oh.







Uh...if you squint, I guess...yeah, sure, let's give him this one

He then says that the bonding of birds and humans "with Vulcan ears" (They're called Hylians you moron!) as "two parts of the same half" (so what's the other half? Or was that just a dumbass typo?) is a reference to an eastern belief.
Well, it's a game made in Japan, so of course they'll have references to eastern beliefs. He doesn't even explain what the belief is, or even the name of it. He just says "an eastern belief." Get used to this people - he's about as vague as the plot of "Dark Void."

Other than, as I said, vagueness, the next paragraph isn't all that bad. He just compliments the graphics, saying the faces are more realistic, the colors are nice and that they add depth. Lacking details, but overall not bad.

He then mentions that the flying is cool, but the control is annoying.
Here's a hint - don't point at the screen, dippy!
I see the week off has done nothing for your attitude, analysis text. Frank complains that chasing down another bird was long and "an exercise in near futility" and that he eventually did it, but needed a break afterwards.
Dude, you're a freaking lightweight when it comes to games! That took me 5 minutes! It is literally in the first 15 minutes of gameplay, it's part of the tutorial level! You needed a break during the tutorial? Wow...that's pathetic.

And now, the part I've been dreading. Frank mentions how the game has "religious content" and says the "the goddess is all over this game." He says that he's confused as to why they didn't edit the religion for the American release, since the majority of America is Christian. He finishes the paragraph by saying that while they "have that belief over there, he thinks that "shoving it down our throats" will turn people away from the series.
All right.
1) The game is about a fantasy world. Why can't they have a fantasy religion?
2) What about the countless other people in America or other countries who practice different religions? Have you considered that they, along with many Christians, don't care about religion in freaking Zelda?3) "Have that belief over there?" No. Japan does not believe that the goddess Hylia sent a continent into the sky and fought off an army of Eldritch Abominations before sealing Demise the Demon King into the planet. You're an imbecile.
4) How does the game's in-universe religion turn people away? Does it affect gameplay? Does it stop you from practicing your own religion in any way? No? Then sit the hell down and shut the hell up.

Dude...are you okay?
I'm fine, just keep going.
All right...Frank informs us that the in-game voices are nice and that the music is "orchestra level." He then says that FFG was "provided" with a copy of SS that has an included CD of orchestrated Zelda music. Frank does not point out that this CD, along with a golden, Triforce-printed Wii Remote Plus was included in all pre-ordered copies. He then complains about lack of translation for voices, despite the fact that none of the characters say actual words.

Frank says that you go to places you've been to before, and aside from Lanayru Desert, I have to grudgingly admit he's right. You could argue that Lanayru Desert becomes fertile again and becomes part of Hyrule Field, though. He then describes the Zelda formula, as if anyone who knew anything about Zelda needed that spelled out.

Frank finally mentions that you need the Wii Motion Plus to play the game and that certain enemies can only be defeated by attacking in certain ways. He says he found this tedious.
Would you prefer only have to shake it to do basic attacks? Skyward Sword's combat system was a lot more complex than, say, Twilight Princess's.
Oh, so you're back now?
Grabbed a Pop-Tart and a root beer. I'm good to go.

Frank finally ends this review by saying Fi looks like a ghost (she's supposed to look like a robot, nimrod) and that she's not the only weird character. He then says that some "weird characters" are from previous games, and that they've all received a major graphical upgrade.
The only classic Zelda characters are Zelda, Link, the Gorons and maybe Gaepora. I may have missed a few, but yeah, it's mostly original characters in Skyward Sword. This review proves that Frank has no idea what he's doing. His points were vague and bland, he gave no explanation as to whether to avoid or buy the game, and he griped about the religious aspects, leading me to believe that if he ever played Skyrim or Baten Kaitos Origins, he'd pass out from shock.