Anger Leads To Hate, Hate Leads To Suffering...And Boy, Am I Suffering

Holy crap, I'm actually ahead of schedule! Well, lookit me, all official and stuff. So, our review today is, as usual, one from FFG. This time it's their review of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. I don't actually have much to say about this game, personally. I only played through it one time when it first came out, and I got it on the Wii. As such, I missed out on a lot of content that was cut from that version.

Hey, remember Sam? Y'know, the dude from the Arkham Asylum and Mega Man 9 reviews? Yeah, it's him again. He starts the review innocently enough, saying that he knows the game is an older one and that he knows it has a sequel, but that he wants to start at the beginning...like how he does when he first read the Bible.
...Kay. That was a bit out of the blue, but okay.
He then describes the plot in two sentences, saying that you're Darth Vader's apprentice and that he's going to use you to kill Emperor Palpatine. He then adds "Can you feel the love?"
...Heh.
-_-
...It was funny!

Sam says that the graphics gave him a headache several times...then starts talking about the camera and violence.
He does know that the camera does not technically fall under the category of "graphics," right?
What do you think?
Stupid question!
And then he complains that he "lost count of how many thousands of aliens and robots [he] murdered" and that many enemies look the same.
More of the same from FFG, complaining about violence in a hack-and-slash. Next they'll say that there's too much driving in Mario Kart!

After that, Sam praises the music and calls the voice acting "stellar." Sam then decides to take a complete 180 and say that the voice actors lack emotional range, and that all they do is "look dark side and hatred."
Was that a sentence? It didn't look like a sentence.
He then says that this part of the game is "boring and unsettling."
So, wait - is the voice acting really good, or is it boring? Pick a side and stick with it!

Oh, this is where we get to my favorite part of any FFG review - incoherent complaints! Sam begins this paragraph by saying how you can unlock trophies and find unlockable upgrades. He then notes that he "finds it funny when a game wants you to hurry, but hides things which encourages looking around."
You're supposed to go back and re-do the level once you know the layout so you can...ah screw it, it's pointless explaining.
And then out of nowhere he just says that he feels like his money was wasted.
No, seriously. Apropos of nothing he just comes right the hell outta nowhere and says this.

Whatever, we're almost done. Once again, an FFG reviewer complains about there being violence in a hack-and-slash and that it's all you do.
Not five seconds ago you told us that there were upgrades to look around for! Doesn't that imply that there's more to do than just kill enemies?!
He does mention that you occasionally use the Force (oh, and he never capitalizes "The Force") to open a door or something, but that's it. He acts like this game is just blindly killing enemies.
Okay, go into any respectable hack-and-slash or beat-em-up that isn't Asura's Wrath or Deathspank and just mash the button with no strategy. Tell me how long you last.

And now it's time for my other favorite part! This is the part where we have the reviewer sum up the review by saying things that he didn't actually bring up in the review itself! Let's see, we've got...saying the game entices lust...
It kinda doesn't, since the only questionably-dressed women are trying to kill your ass.
and of course, claiming that the Force is evil. Not that the dark side is evil, that the Force itself is an evil source.
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

Sam, dude...what happened? You were so good in the Mega Man 9 review!
I guess he can't really enjoy anything above an E-rating, huh?
I guess. Oh, one last point. I fin it kind of funny that, underneath a lot of their reviews, you can see links to buy the game the reviewed on Amazon, even if they literally just told you not to play it.
Anyway, what's next week?
Either Skyrim or Arkham City, depending on which one people want more. Till then, folks.

An Assault On Your Sanity

Alright, first review of my blog's revival, and it's a request! Star Fox Assault, as reviewed by...Luke again. Oh, for the love of...can I go back to retirement?

Anyway, the review starts out bemoaning the fact that "Starfox" (pretty sure it's supposed to be two separate words, but that's far from this review's biggest issue) is darker and more mature than most of Nintendo's other games and that it "shatters Nintendo's squeaky clean video game carefully crafted image." I did not edit that abomination of a sentence in any way.
Great to be back, baby!
Ah crap, I forgot about you.
I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED! So, Nintendo is supposed to be kiddy, huh? Okay, readers? Do me a favor and look up these next few titles: Metroid Prime, Baten Kaitos Origins, Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem. Go ahead, I'll wait...
...
...you back? Sweet. Notice how (if you used Wikipedia or any game-reviewing website) that they all have pretty good scores and are all rated "T" or higher? That's because nobody gives a rat's ass about Nintendo releasing a mature game, you imbecile.

Luke then compares Star Fox Assault to Grand Theft Auto, because he really needed to make it clear to the reader that he has no clue what he's talking about.
Well, it was very considerate of him to clarify that.
Now, I haven't seen much gameplay of Star Fox Assault, but one thing I do know is that it is nothing like Grand Theft Auto. If you can show me a Grand Theft Auto game that features space flight and laser-shooting tanks, I will buy that game in a heartbeat.
Rockstar, please make that DLC for GTA V!

And to round out this block of pure stupid disguised as a paragraph, Luke complains that the game has "female characters acting highly seductively, sexually, and sending gamers all the wrong messages."
...Okay. I...really have to do this again, don't I? Alright, I'll play your game.

Meet Krystal. She is (from what I can gather, correct me if I'm wrong) the only female lead in Star Fox Assault. Notice how unrevealing her outfit is, and how it in no way exposes any part of her body that could be considered fanservce, aside from the very top of her chest? Yeah, that's not a sexualized character from what I see.

Meet Rachel from Ninja Gaiden. Need I say more?

Ah crap we're only a paragraph in. Strap in, people. Luke mentions that the game is Nintendo's attempt to attract gamers who are into more violent games and that the violence was "so often, and so over the top that it took me nearly a month to detox my brain from the damaging effects."

Okay, from what gameplay footage I've found online, the game looks completely bloodless (and fun, why the hell haven't I played this?) And, on that note, who in the name of Din needs to detox their brain after playing a violent game? Luke, dude...you're a lightweight.

This is followed by a paragraph about the sound, noting that the Gamecube normally has good music but that this game "needs a brand new orchestra."

No...no it doesn't. Look up Star Wolf's theme from this game on Youtube, it's awesome!

And, of course, he starts complaining about the sounds of explosions and such in a game based around war. 

WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING ?!

The third paragraph closes out with Luke noting that the game contains swearing and that it "has no place in a video game coming from Nintendo."

Ahem.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (Nintendo Wii) - "Damn!" (Admiral Dane)

Baten Kaitos Origins (Nintendo Gamecube) - "You bastards!" "Go to hell, you son of a bitch!" (Sagi)

Shadow The Hedgehog (Multiplatform game, available on Nintendo Gamecube) - "You're going straight to hell!" "Where's that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald?" "Damn, not here!" (Shadow) "Hold still, you devil!" (The Commander)

Mega Man X (SNES) - "Damn!" (X)

I think I've made my point.

Luke then goes on to...mention the unlockable content. Okay, dude, uh...you do that. It's really just a way for him to segue into complaining how "none of it feels like much of a reward." He even mentions the fact that the game includes the NES shooter Xevious as an unlockable bonus and that it "felt more like a punishment than a reward to me."

...You're an idiot. No, seriously. You're an idiot. That makes no sense! Who is twisting your arm and forcing you to play the unlockable game? Why is having the opportunity to play an old NES game a "punishment?" That's like saying the NES Metroid in Metroid Prime or the NES Ninja Gaiden games in the Xbox Ninja Gaiden was a punishment!

Oh wow, he finally got around to describing the gameplay. It's noting too noteworthy, he just says that you can run around, get into vehicles and explore. He also complains that the missions are often timed and that it's sometimes confusing on how to complete them.

Again, these people complain that a game is violent, then complain more when the game makes it harder to perform said violence! Make up your mind!

Oh thank Nayru, last paragraph.

Before anyone asks why we mention fictional gods rather than real ones, the reason is two-fold.

1) We can ensure that we don't insult or offend anyone's beliefs by accident.

2) Shut up, imaginary person who complained, it's funnier this way.

Oh yay, more of the same bullcrap we got in the Batman: Arkham Asylum review where the reviewer starts questioning the heroes' morals because they have "bad attitudes" and "disrespect."

Oh, so a person is good if they act pleasant and polite, huh? Okay. I'll just leave these here.

THIS. WAS. PAIN. This may have been one of the worst reviews I've read on this site, and that really is saying something. I mean, the sheer fact that Luke bashed the game simply for violence and it being a "T" rated Gamecube game despite there being plenty of "T" rated Gamecube games and Nintendo games in general (many of them being very good. Seriously, play Baten Kaitos Origins, it's amazing) is astounding. It makes it obvious that these people are not gamers, and in fact may not actually know how to write a review. Hmm...gives me an idea. How's about (if I get no requests by my next post) that I post a review of a game I recently bought and played through? I think I might just do that. This blog won't become a game reviewing blog, but I'll try my hand at it and see if I can't make a better review than these people. Which game am I considering reviewing? Here's a hint - its initials are "HN."

I'M ALIVE...But This Next Review Makes Me Wish I Wasn't

So, I've decided to revive this blog and keep critiquing these reviews. Why? Because I am an incredibly bored person. Anyway, I can't promise a consistent schedule (not like I ever did, let's be perfectly honest here) but I will try to make posts on at least a semi-regular basis.

And the next review? A request from a year ago! Let's hope Neo_Lion is still reading this thing, because next time I'll be covering FFG's review of Star Fox Assault.

Till then, readers.