You Asked For It...Halo Wars. Plus A Bonus!

Ah, my first day to myself in a few months! I think I'll spend it playing some Asura's Wrath. *Notices Cody S's. request for Halo Wars* Ah, dammit.

Halo Wars is a bit of a contested entry in the Halo Series. Some I've talked to think its story would have worked better as an FPS. Others argue that the RTS system is actually pretty well done on the 360, since to my knowledge RTS games are normally only seen on PC, rarely being made for consoles. Let's see what FFG has to say about it.

Our reviewer today Frank, from the Skyward Sword review, or at least I'm assuming it's the same guy. He opens by saying that the real-time strategy genre is "slightly better than the first person shooter genre."
So, right off the bat we're starting with a completely opinion-based, subjective statement that can easily be disagreed with due to personal preferences. Yay.
He then goes on to explain the basic gameplay. Okay, nothing too bad so far. This is followed by two bland statements that I could literally paste into a review of almost anything. " Between each level the storyline unfolds in some nice cinema style movies."
Like most modern games?
"The characters have different attitudes, and they routinely clash."
*Tommy Wiseau voice* Oh hai, incredibly broad statement.
This paragraph closes on an explanation that Halo Wars takes place 20 years before the other Halo games, "which ultimately tells us what will be coming in the future."
Um...no. No it doesn't.

Frank goes on to praise Halo Wars on the "nice details " in its graphics, then immediately pulls  a 180 and starts bashing it for reusing images and even says that there are "female characters who wear skin-tight clothing."
 
This is Serina, one of only two female characters in Halo Wars. She is wearing a lab coat.

 
This is Ellen Anders, the other prominent female character in Halo Wars. She is also wearing a lab coat.

 
This is Zero Suit Samus. She is wearing skin-tight-clothing. The other two...not so much.
 After that mass of concentrated stupid, Frank mentions that the cutscenes are of good quality, and that the blood and gore-
 There's no gore in Halo!
He could talking about The Flood.
Oh right. 
-the blood and gore are, at least, small and hard to see.

Now we run into a recurring problem with a lot of FFG's reviewers - they contradict themselves constantly. Frank mentions that the sound in Halo Wars is "top notch," but then instantly bitches about cursing and repetitive sound bytes. He also starts talking about the enemies, and this is where I honestly cannot fathom what this guy is thinking. Frank mentions that the aliens are "shown to be people of faith" and that "in many ways they act more 'honorable' than the good guys."
You mean like capturing a human scientist and attempting to wipe out an entire human city during an invasion on a colony? Not to mention the fact that the Covenant are repeatedly shown to do horrible things and their religion has been proven to be a hollow lie maintained by the Prophets to maintain control over the various alien races! This crap is honorable?!

Frank mentions the various different modes of play and then start complaining about difficulty. He then says that "certain levels have to be played a specific way, or failure is guaranteed."
You mean like every video game ever?
He then says that the game is repetitive, and that life seems to have no value, as lost troops can always be replaced. He finishes by saying that it "teaches some lessons in war, but not always overtly," and that he "never had to explain to thousands of parents why their child died."
Are you serious? Are you really being serious here? I can barely even think of a response to something this stupid. If dying soldiers disturbs you, then just consider - if this game is like the other Halo games, then they probably respawned back on the ship, like Chief and Noble Six do in co-op and multiplayer. It doesn't make sense from a story perspective, but you can think of it that way if you want.
Frank makes one more parting comment, that he was "not sure" if he was "fighting on the right side or not" and that the game "led to a lot of prayer."
THE COVENANT ARE SCARY DOGMATIC ALIENS WHO WANT TO USE ANCIENT SUPERWEAPONS TO WIPE OUT MANKIND! THERE IS NO MORAL GRAY AREA HERE!

Speaking of morality, how's about a second review for this post?
Sure, why the hell not? Nothing can be worse than that last one.
They had someone review inFamous.
CraaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Our reviewer this time is Luke. Let's see if The Force is with him or not.
That joke sucked.
Shut it! He starts out mentioning that he got inFamous for free due to the PSN hacking debacle, and he briefly notes that they announced a sequel. Frank then mentions that the main character Cole is "a super powered man who gains more skills as the game goes on" and that "lightning is his main power."
No, lightning is not Cole's "main power," for a few reasons. The first being that lightning is not synonymous with electricity - lightning is a bolt of electricity discharged during thunderstorms, while electricity is the broad term for electrical power. Only a few of Cole's attacks involve lightning bolts, mainly his Bolt and Lightning Storm attacks, and if you meant that electricity is his main power, then that's still wrong - it's his only power! Saying it's his "main power" implies he has others, which in inFamous 1, he doesn't!

Luke complains that the graphics in inFamous are grainy (like an old comic book. This was intentional.) and that the camera "gave him a migraine."
I'll admit, the camera in inFamous does seem to want you dead at times.
He then says that "the core of inFamous is violence ," "there is blood, gore and death..."
There is one instance of silhouetted gore in a cutscene!
...and that the people look realistic, making him feel bad about killing them.
Then play a Hero character and revive them with Healing Pulse. Seriously, this isn't that hard to figure out.

Luke, as usual for FFG reviewers, complains about swearing...
What little swearing there is in freaking inFamous! 
...and says that the music and voice acting all elicited negative responses from him.

He briefly mentions the trophies that are now standard in all PS3 games, and that he has no reasons to play inFamous. Luke then complains that the gameplay is "frustrating," and that "jumping on certain things was nearly impossible."
Okay, that happened sometimes in inFamous 1, but it's not like it was constant! It's no reason to condemn the entirety of the gameplay.
He says the game explains some aspects but not others, and that he often had to get help to complete mission.
The game explains new types of missions as you encounter them. After a certain point, the designers assume the player is intelligent enough to remember what to do.
Luke closes this paragraph by saying that the NPC's constantly remind you of your mission objective.
Uh...no, they kind of don't...

Luke ends this farce by saying that inFamous is "disturbed" and that it teaches to player to "worship death."
No,  inFamous teaches about morality and the consequences of your actions. It tries to get across the message that being selfish will net short-term benefits, but long-term losses, while selflessness and sacrifice will lead to long-term victories that it is overall better to think about the people at large rather than yourself. But this guy didn't even mention inFamous' karma system or it's deep, awesome plot. All he saw was "game where killing is possible" and based his argument on that, never once looking into the deeper meaning behind inFamous. It's almost like he didn't even play inFamous, but just read a Wikipedia article about it!

The Ultimate Showdown Of COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT.

Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3 is kind of a tricky game. It's meant to be accessible to newcomers, and, to a point, it is. The controls are simple and easy-to-learn, and the mission mode gives players some sample combos to practice until they can learn the more complex stuff. On the other hand, if you're a casual player, and you fight someone who knows the game inside-and-out...there is no hope for you. You WILL be ended. But enough logical analysis of the game, let's hear what FFG has to say!

Our reviewer is Sam again, a.k.a the only reviewer on this site I have even a modicum of respect for, and that's only for his Mega Man 9 review (ironically, another Capcom game). He starts out by explaining that UMvC3 is a better version of MvC3, there's new content and that he's reviewing the 360 version.
All right, basic stuff so far. I'm not seeing anything too bad.

Sam then describes what a fighting game is and explains how UMvC3 is. My only complaint is that the way he words this paragraph, it seems like he's saying all fighting games involves teams of 3 characters, but still nothing major.

He makes a brief quip about how flashy the Hyper Combos are (but doesn't mention them by name) and then describes UMvC3 as like a club, and that it's "the opposite of a family."
Oh, for the love of... That's like saying that sports are "exclusive" because you won't do well if you don't practice! Families are based around unconditional love and emotional bonds that are formed through living with someone and knowing them. Gaming communities, sports, clubs and the like are based around mutual interest and skill in a certain area. Just because you can't instantly be good at something the second you pick it up doesn't mean it's exclusive!

We then get the usual spiel we get from FFG about female characters wearing revealing outfits, and he mentions that "almost every female character" is dressed like this.
Y'know, except for Trone Bonne, Jill, Phoenix, Amaterasu... 
Isn't she technically naked?
She's a wolf, you sick freak!
Sam then notes that while there is violence, the special attack cover it.
Um...no they don't...Shin Shoryuken, Fourth Wall Crisis, Final Justice, Bionic Maneuvers, Maximum Spider, Tools Of Survival...all of these are attacks that are quite "violent" and clearly shown. If he's talking about projectiles, then he's still wrong! A beam attack isn't covering the violence, the beam is the violence!

Time to talk about sound. Sam gets some respect points for mentioning that the narrator's voice made him feel like he was at the arcade, but loses some for then complaining about language. He does, however, compliment the music, which is, admittedly, one of the cooler aspects of UMvC3.

"Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 contains a dizzying amount of unlockable content."
Um, no it doesn't.
"Two players can bash each others faces in locally, or go online to do it with up to eight players. There are leaderboards so you can see where you stack up."
None of that is unlockable! The only unlockables are Galactus mode, titles and things in the gallery! There are no secret characters, stages or modes. A Gallery full of images and character theme songs is not "dizzying."

And now we get to the true idiocy of the review. Sam essentially splits players of this game into two groups - button mashers and "people who have a degree in the controls." He also says that a button masher like him (he admits this) can win most of their fights and that this "irritates those that take the time to comprehend the fighting system in Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3."
No. No no no. I say thee nay. That is completely wrong. A button masher will not last 5 seconds against someone who knows what they're doing. Furthermore, there is a fairly large difference between "button mashing beginner" and "200-hit combo wielding god."

 Sam warns the reader that this game is an "adults only" game and that despite the point of the game being to defeat Galactus, he feels like he was just "fighting for the sake of fighting."
It's. A fighting. Game. OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO BE FIGHTING! Defeating Galactus is only the point of the Arcade mode - most people bought this game to play it against other people, which is, indeed, fighting for the sake of fighting.
 Sam says that he has "matured beyond this" and that he'd rather be out helping people. 

The final paragraph has Sam state that UMvC3 is for adults only, and that it will encourage aggressive behavior in children, "as scientific studies have shown." He ends by asking if you think your children will be able to handle the content in UMvC3.
Video games do not cause violence! Holy crap, how many times are people going to say this?! Look, I'm not going to go into that here - Penn and Teller tackled it quite nicely, I recommend their episode on the subject. Just because a part of the brain lights up doesn't mean that the stimulus in question enhances, encourages or causes any kind of behavior! And no, I don't think small children should play UMvC, and I doubt anyone else would, either - maybe that's why there's a clearly visible "T" on the front of the box!
This review completely lost any credibility near the end, because Sam clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. I have a review in mind for next week, unless someone gives me a request beforehand. Until then, dear readers.

Beyond Good, Evil, AND Competency!

I apologize for the insanely long wait between these posts. I've probably said this before but I will make an attempt to be more on-the-ball with this and stop missing posts, especially considering this hasn't been so much a "missed post" as "dropping off the face of the Earth," Anyways, we've got another reader suggestion this time, from Neo_Lion1991. Coincidentally, this will also be the first time I look at a review of a game I have not played, unless you count Ninja Gaiden Black, since I've only ever played Sigma. All right, let's check out FFG's review of Beyond Good & Evil.

Our reviewer this time is Paul. It doesn't say whether it's the same Paul who reviewed Pokemon Black and Pokemon White, but I'm going under the assumption that it is. Paul begins by saying that Beyond Good & Evil came from their request page, and mentions that it is available on the Gamecube, Xbox, PC and PS2, but he played the PS2 version for this review. He says that the game  was critically praised, but that "following the crowds has never been something Family Friendly Gaming has ever been about."
No, you're about over-analyzing video games and over-reacting to the smallest thing that doesn't meet your approval...*looks around* What? Tell me I'm wrong!

He describes Jade as a "journalist, photographer and anti-establishment paranoid woman," and that "she starts out with a pig-man who has helped raise her." He describes how there is a rebellion going on against the government and "this outside force," and that attacks on Jade's planet are common, mentioning the killing of enemies as an "unhappy chore."
Has this guy EVER seen Star Wars?! I mean, I've never even touched this game, but I am looking it up so I can verify Paul's claims, and the plot sounds a little bit like Star Wars. Rebellion, war in space, evil empire...I mean, I could be horribly wrong, but it sounds at least somewhat similar. Does this guy have a problem with rebelling against oppressive, evil governments? This guy would HATE Eragon, Star Wars, The Bartimaeus Trilogy (particularly the parts with Kitty), The Hunger Games...
You done yet?
...*catches breath* Proceed.

Paul says that the graphics are dark and that it makes it hard to see where you're supposed to go, and that the camera is troublesome. Paul mentions that dead bodies are left on the ground in certain areas, and that there are instances of characters being tortured, kidnapped and killed, mentions that there are "minor occult symbols" and that "Jade's attire is borderline enticement to lust.
First of all, the game is rated "T." Just because something has cartoon animals in it doesn't mean it was intended for kids. Look at Jak & Daxter for an example. That game is intended for teens and young adults - so is Beyond Good & Evil. Second, if the game's too dark, you can just change the brightness on the TV. I mean, sure, it is kind of a flaw in the game, but an easily fixed one. Third, Jade's clothes do not "entice lust." Ivy from Soul Calibur IV, Litchi Faye-Ling from BlazBlue, Rachel from Ninja Gaiden - those are characters with revealing outfits. Jade wears a tank top, jacket and jeans. That is not an outfit with a lot of sex appeal.
"There are also images of animals that may be encouraging the religion of evolution."
What.
"There are also images of animals that may be encouraging the religion of evolution." 
ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME?! Evolution is not a religion. Islam is a religion. Judaism is a religion. Christianity is a religion. Hell, even Scientology is a religion. EVOLUTION IS NOT A RELIGION. People do not go to science labs and pray to Darwin! Evolution is a widely-accepted scientific theory, perhaps the most widely-accepted next to THE BIG FREAKING BANG! How many more paragraphs are in this thing?
Three.
Bring it on.

 Paul mentions that there is some foul language and that God's name is used in vain a few times. He also mentions "minor name-calling and gross humor."
How can you complain about a pig that uses fart-powered jet boots?! How can you complain about something that awesome?!
He also mentions the sounds of characters being tortured, and that the good sound quality makes it more disturbing. Okay, I'll give him that one, sounds of torture are unnerving, no matter what medium they're in. He also complains that the game is hard and that the death sound will get annoying over time, and from what I've heard about this game, that's still a legitimate point.

Next is a complaint that there is little reason to play a level again, except to get pictures and items.
So...the same reason anyone backtracks in a game?
Paul remarks that the game's content will turn away most players (judging by the game's reputation, it didn't) and that the game is a waste of money. He then begins...praising the controls? Hello, non-sequitar, how are you? Oh, this was just to segue into his gripe about the levels being poorly designed and that it's hard to find your way around.
Gee, it's almost like you have to look for where to go! The sources I've found say that the game plays a bit like a Sci-Fi Zelda, meaning that it makes sense to have to look for your next objective. I could be completely wrong, but that's just what I infer.

Paul begins his final paragraph by saying that the game teaches the player to distrust the government and "disobey the authorities God has allowed over you." 
You mean like how America rebelled against the British because of insane taxes and generally being treated like crap? Yeah, I got facts, too, buddy - a rebellion isn't bad if the people being rebelled against are in the wrong, you moron

 He then says that the game was a "chore to play and that the ending is open for a sequel (which is being developed, but this was not so at the time of this review). Paul goes on the remark that he "has no interested in a sequel."
Or proper grammar and spelling, for that matter.
He says that he will "happily put this game in the vault..."
There's a vault? ...Does it have Battletoads? 
and that "there are better games."
Name one. I'm serious. Name one game you see as better than this one, and why. There must be at least one game you can approve of that wasn't meant for small children. I doubt anyone from FFG would ever see this "challenge," but I would LOVE to see what they'd list as a "better game." Hell, I'd love to see a list of games, one for every review I've done. But that's never happening. These people seem to me like the kind who think their opinion is law. But I digress. This review had a few legitimate points, but it was bogged down by nonsensical complaints and pointless bitching about the most trivial things, like Jade's supposedly risque outfit. Unless I get another reader suggestion, next week will be one from my list. Until next time, later.

A Review That's Actually Decent?! SORCERY!!!

I've been meaning to do this one for a while, to be honest. It just kinda floated in Limbo until DynamiteNinja requested it be done. I appreciate any requests that my readers have to offer, so if you want me to look at an particular FFG review, all you have to do is speak up. Without further ado, let's dive right into FFG's review of one of my personal favorite games, Mega Man 9.

Remember Sam, from the Batman: Arkham Asylum review? Turns out he also produced this review. Great. Sam starts out by saying that Mega Man 9 is a legitimate sequel to the classic series (okay, I'll give him that) and that Mega Man fans "may not have been the most patient as they waded through Mega Man X, Mega Man Battle Network and more.
Oh no, you are not going to bust on Mega Man X! X4 and X8 are 2 of my favorite Mega Man games!

He then states that the game brings back the old school style and that you can download it on Wii, PS3 and 360 for 10 bucks. Okay, nothing too bad so far.

Sam notes that the game's visuals are reminiscent of the NES, and he gets some bonus points for knowing  what NES actually stands for (Nintendo Entertainment System). He does mention that it looks better than any NES game. He for some reason starts talking about how Mega Mega is a robot that fights other robots, but then segues that into praise for the game's bright colors, like in the boss explosions.
Are we sure this is the same guy? He seems a lot more coherent than in the Arkham Asylum review.
They're either not the same guy or he has less problems and less to complain about with The Blue Bomber than he did with Bats.
Indeed.

The next paragraph starts out with Sam complimenting the game's 8-bit sounds and music, and that it reminds him of his childhood.
I think an FFG reviewer just pulled a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming...o_o
Everybody gets one, I guess.

And now he gets to the reason most players, myself included, play classic Mega Man - the challenge. Sam explains that Mega Man 9 will challenge the player and that one must be competitive to beat it. he then shows that he actually knows what he;s talking about by explaining the Mega Man formula.
Before anyone attacks me for being a hypocrite, let me explain why this is okay, but explaining the Pokemon and Zelda formulas was something to complain about. The way I see it, Mega Man is not as widely played or known as Pokemon or Zelda. If you ask any random person to describe Pokemon, their answer will probably involve catching monsters and fighting with them. Everyone knows this. Similarly, if you ask a gamer what Zelda is about, even if they don't play Zelda, you'll probably get an answer that could apply to most of the games - princess is captured, go save her. However, since most modern gamers, in my eyes, do not know Mega Man as well, I feel this explanation of Mega Man was somewhat justified.

Ooooookaaaay...now that that's over...Sam wraps up by saying that Mega Man 9 teaches the player to solve problems with violence, but that it also teaches to practice your skills (referring to the Robot Master weapons) and to stand up to evil.  This review was written before Mega Man 10 was announced, and Sam wonders if there will be a Mega Man 10. He says that if you like a challenge you should give Mega Man 9 a try.

To be honest...this was pretty good. The only problem I had with it was Sam mentioning that the game teaches the player to use violence, and his unwarranted potshot at the X and Battle Network series. Other than that, it wasn't that bad. If anyone else has a request, feel free to mention it. Otherwise, next week will just be a random review from my list.

Late Night...Double Feature...Review Show...

Damn, that title sucks. Anyway, it's been, what, 4 weeks since I've posted? Sorry about that, guys, I've been bogged down with work and other matters. But now I'm back, and I'm making it up to you big time with this post. I'll be looking at 2 reviews from FFG this time, and as an added bonus, they're both written by our old friend, the Working Man Gamer. Let's start out with the first one I stumbled upon: Ninja Gaiden Black.

WMG starts out by saying that they get a lot of requests, but that "games like Ninja Gaiden Black" are given lower priority because not a lot of reviewers want to "subject themselves to such bad content."
Oh, I can already tell he'll be impartial and unbiased towards this game!
He then wonders if they're listening to "worldly wisdom. and ignoring God's wisdom."

Unsurprisingly, WMG then goes on to complain about the violence, and says that there are women dressed inappropriately.
Yeah, like Rachel, and....Rachel! No, seriously, I've played Ninja Gaiden Sigma and I checked online. As far as I can tell, Ninja Gaiden 1 only has one female character dressed revealingly. Ayane wears full ninja garb and one of the only other main female characters is the girl who dies in the second mission (her name is Kureha, apparently).

Moving on, WMG goes on a tirade about how immature this content is and asks when games will show women as more than just "sexual objects for immature teenage males to lust after."
Go play Metroid Prime, Halo Reach or Baten Kaitos Origins. They all have strong, badass, non-sexualized female main characters.

Following this rant is a small complaint about the camera and a mention of the graphics being "okay." This part isn't too infuriating, but he could at least explain a bit about what he means.
Being nice now, are we?
I'm saving my rage for when we'll need it.

The next paragraph is a giant bitch-fest about the game's eastern religious ideology, the presence of demons and foul language. He then says the music is "okay," and...y'know what? I'll let you read this for yourself.
" The music is okay, but nowhere near the WMG had been led to believe by those who worship this game. This is only a video game and no one should be worshipping it."
IT'S A GAME! THERE IS NOBODY WORSHIPING THIS GAME! JUST BECAUSE IT HAS A LOYAL FANBASE DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE PRAYING TO THE FREAKING THING, YOU INSANE DUMBASS! (Also, he spelled "worshiping" wrong.)


Dude, chill. WMG's next complaint is about the controls, saying that they "make little sense" and that "it is important for the controls to work flawlessly" in a game that "requires constant mega violent  fighting." He notes this as the reason why it's so difficult and that he had no fun playing it.
Uh, no, the difficulty is intentional. It's not the controls' fault, you just need to practice. Also, if you hate violence so much, then why do you complain when a game prevents you from committing violence? As a final point, you people really don't grasp the point of a hack-and-slash, do you?

Last paragraph! WMG finishes off by saying that Ninja Gaiden is a "classic example of a video game that the world calls good" and that "the wisesy worldly person is a fool compared to God's wisdom" (as if that's somehow relevant.). He says to avoid Ninja Gaiden Black and that it was a chore to play, review and "pray about" this game.
What. Why...the...FFFFFFFFF-HELL?! WOULD YOU PRAY FOR A VIDEO GAME?! DIDN'T YOU SAY BEFORE THAT "WORSHIPING" IT WAS WRONG?! ISN'T PRAYING FOR IT KINDA ALONG THE SAME LINES? My god, this guy's an idiot! I'm glad this review's over with.

This next review is one that's gonna hit home for me - it's a review of Final Fantasy X. Final Fantasy X was my first Final Fantasy game and remains my favorite in the series. I love the setting, the gameplay, the characters, everything about it.  That's why you can probably expect some rather strong reactions to this next one. 

 We start on a predictable joke about the Final Fantasy series never being "final" and how games keep being released for it. WMG then says that a common complaint is all the games have the same story about a group of rebels fighting a corrupt, evil government.
Except, y'know, Final Fantasy III, Final Fantasy V, Final Fantasy VII (Shinra isn't a government, they're a corporation, and they aren't even the main villain), Final Fantasy IV: The After Years, Final Fantasy X-2, Dissidia Final Fantasy, Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy...need i go on?


He explains the plot of the game, mentioning the main points like Sin, summoners and their pilgrimage, and the Church of Yevon. What he fails to mention is the names of the main characters, and this will be important later.


WMG starts praising the graphics and that the CGI movies, even today, are nice-looking. To be honest, I agree. He continues being predictable by mentioning "seductively dressed" female characters (Arguable, but there's a minor point there) and that death is not permanent. He then says that Seymour takes forever to get rid of. 
Huh, a few valid points there. I may have been wrong, maybe WMG might pull through and make this a good review after all!

The next paragraph is all about the sounds, and while he complains about the language as he always does, he compliments the music. 
Again, I agree. "A Fleeting Dream" is beautiful and Otherworld may be one of the most metal things I've ever heard come out of Final Fantasy.

The side quests are mentioned as giving the player more time with the game and that they add replay value. WMG then praises the Sphere Grid system and that the idea of opening locks and have characters learn each others' skills was "a real treat."
Holy crap! This guy actually knows what he's doing! This is the best review from him!
He then wonders if the game really is worth the money he paid for it, since it has "offensive material.
You're joking.
WMG then praises the controls, but complains about the summoning of aeons and the use of magic.
Oh, come on, man! You were doing so well! Don't ruin it now!
  
He then details the role of the summoners and that Yuna has to send people to the afterlife, mentioning that these scenes very troublesome. WMG also complains that the church lying was a problem he had with the game.
You're...really not gonna stop reading this off to me, are you? You're doing this to torture me, aren't you?
I might be. WMG finishes off by saying that Yevon was meant as an attack on
the church" (I assume he means Christianity) and that there was no point in dressing the women the way they did. His final point is praising the "unrealized" love between Tidus and Yuna...
He never even mentioned their names! How's someone who hasn't played supposed to know who they are! And what does he mean, "unrealized?!" They make out halfway into the game! 
...and the last thing he mentions is that there were interesting concepts, like someone being a dream and "the cost of sacrifices."
Way to ruin the plot twist, you stupid bag of stupid...STUPID!!! Wow, I ran out of words. He didn't even tell us whether to buy the game or not. We got one, single vague mention of that in the middle, and then nothing. He didn't explain some of his points, and he focused way too much on the magic and the church of Yevon. It's not a shot at Christianity, buddy! There are more religions than the one you practice! Ignoring that, though, this review certainly wasn't his worst. WMG made some legitimate praises of the game and seemed to be able to appreciate some of the concepts, even if he did overreact to the religious aspects.

Of these two reviews, I'd have to say that the Ninja Gaiden Black one is the worse of the two. The Final Fantasy X review made some fair, legitimate arguments, while the Ninja Gaiden Black review was just endless complaining over flaws that he either exaggerated or just simply didn't exist.

The Legend Of Vagueness: Skyward Sword

After a week off, I'm back to doing what I love: marathon-ing the entire Mass Effect series like a drug addict! Huh? Oh, and updating this blog, I guess...I'm kidding of course, but seriously, loved Mass Effect 3, save for that...one...part...you know which one. Anyways, we're back to FFG, and this time it's a review that is so vague, I'm surprised it didn't just consist of "I didn't like it." It's FFG's review of The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

The reviews says that SS takes the series in "some new directions," mentioning Skloft and the Loftwings, which our reviewer Frank says look like Ho-Oh.







Uh...if you squint, I guess...yeah, sure, let's give him this one

He then says that the bonding of birds and humans "with Vulcan ears" (They're called Hylians you moron!) as "two parts of the same half" (so what's the other half? Or was that just a dumbass typo?) is a reference to an eastern belief.
Well, it's a game made in Japan, so of course they'll have references to eastern beliefs. He doesn't even explain what the belief is, or even the name of it. He just says "an eastern belief." Get used to this people - he's about as vague as the plot of "Dark Void."

Other than, as I said, vagueness, the next paragraph isn't all that bad. He just compliments the graphics, saying the faces are more realistic, the colors are nice and that they add depth. Lacking details, but overall not bad.

He then mentions that the flying is cool, but the control is annoying.
Here's a hint - don't point at the screen, dippy!
I see the week off has done nothing for your attitude, analysis text. Frank complains that chasing down another bird was long and "an exercise in near futility" and that he eventually did it, but needed a break afterwards.
Dude, you're a freaking lightweight when it comes to games! That took me 5 minutes! It is literally in the first 15 minutes of gameplay, it's part of the tutorial level! You needed a break during the tutorial? Wow...that's pathetic.

And now, the part I've been dreading. Frank mentions how the game has "religious content" and says the "the goddess is all over this game." He says that he's confused as to why they didn't edit the religion for the American release, since the majority of America is Christian. He finishes the paragraph by saying that while they "have that belief over there, he thinks that "shoving it down our throats" will turn people away from the series.
All right.
1) The game is about a fantasy world. Why can't they have a fantasy religion?
2) What about the countless other people in America or other countries who practice different religions? Have you considered that they, along with many Christians, don't care about religion in freaking Zelda?3) "Have that belief over there?" No. Japan does not believe that the goddess Hylia sent a continent into the sky and fought off an army of Eldritch Abominations before sealing Demise the Demon King into the planet. You're an imbecile.
4) How does the game's in-universe religion turn people away? Does it affect gameplay? Does it stop you from practicing your own religion in any way? No? Then sit the hell down and shut the hell up.

Dude...are you okay?
I'm fine, just keep going.
All right...Frank informs us that the in-game voices are nice and that the music is "orchestra level." He then says that FFG was "provided" with a copy of SS that has an included CD of orchestrated Zelda music. Frank does not point out that this CD, along with a golden, Triforce-printed Wii Remote Plus was included in all pre-ordered copies. He then complains about lack of translation for voices, despite the fact that none of the characters say actual words.

Frank says that you go to places you've been to before, and aside from Lanayru Desert, I have to grudgingly admit he's right. You could argue that Lanayru Desert becomes fertile again and becomes part of Hyrule Field, though. He then describes the Zelda formula, as if anyone who knew anything about Zelda needed that spelled out.

Frank finally mentions that you need the Wii Motion Plus to play the game and that certain enemies can only be defeated by attacking in certain ways. He says he found this tedious.
Would you prefer only have to shake it to do basic attacks? Skyward Sword's combat system was a lot more complex than, say, Twilight Princess's.
Oh, so you're back now?
Grabbed a Pop-Tart and a root beer. I'm good to go.

Frank finally ends this review by saying Fi looks like a ghost (she's supposed to look like a robot, nimrod) and that she's not the only weird character. He then says that some "weird characters" are from previous games, and that they've all received a major graphical upgrade.
The only classic Zelda characters are Zelda, Link, the Gorons and maybe Gaepora. I may have missed a few, but yeah, it's mostly original characters in Skyward Sword. This review proves that Frank has no idea what he's doing. His points were vague and bland, he gave no explanation as to whether to avoid or buy the game, and he griped about the religious aspects, leading me to believe that if he ever played Skyrim or Baten Kaitos Origins, he'd pass out from shock.

WHERE IS YOUR ARCEUS NOW?!

They reviewed Pokemon Black and White.

And here I thought they couldn't get any worse. I mean, say what you want about WMG, at least he somewhat explains his complaints. I mean...hoo boy! This guy makes no attempt to explain what he's talking about, and for a review, that's pretty bad. I'll give them a little credit - at least they didn't say Pokemon promoted the theory of evolution or Nazism. Yes, people have said this.

"Pokemon Black and Pokemon White are essentially the same game."
*facepalm* First sentence. That was the first freaking sentence. Strap in people - this is gonna hurt.

Our reviewer, Paul, explains that the games only differ in that in Black, you catch Reshiram and fight Zekrom, and that in White, it's reversed. He then goes on to explain the Pokemon formula, and says that if you've played any other Pokemon games, you won't be too surprised by the games. Paul then explains that you don't have a rival in this game, but rather two friends who follow you around, and that it's "more like the cartoon."
This guy thinks that the GAMES are based on the ANIME?! Ow, my head hurts...Never mind the fact that, yes, you DO have a rival! Both Cheren and Biance are your rivals. That's like saying that you don't have a rival in Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald because you battle both Wally and May.

Paul then says that this generation added 150 new Pokemon (correction: 156) and that you have to beat the game before "bringing in" Pokemon from other games, but that after you beat that game, you're free to bring over Pokemon like Celebi.
2 things -
1. You don't need to beat the game to bring over an event Celebi from HG/SS. There's a place you can do that earlier in the game.
2. If he wasn't talking about the event, then who in their right mind would bring over Celebi, of all things? If anyone, most players I know import their Mewtwos, previous Gen starters and (in my case) a Deoxys. Celebi's kind of a wimp.

We are then told that the graphics have strong points and that there are certain scenes that show off the graphics. (The opening, ending and any bridge spring to mind), and that...there are tall buildings. That's it. He mentions that we can enter tall buildings.
What purpose did that serve?
None whatsoever. Paul starts complaining about the violence, and for no reason begins explaining the battle system. What? He finishes off the second paragraph by mentioning that while many Pokemon are cute, some are "hideous,' pointing out the Ghost and Psychic types.
Yes, because Gothitelle and Golett and simply terrifying to behold. At least point out which Pokemon you think are hideous! You'd probably get a lot of people agreeing with you if you mention Stunfisk...

And now for music. Paul says that the music is a "remix of standard Pokemon sounds..."
Huh? Do you mean that the music is composed of sounds the Pokemon make? (actually, that'd be kind of awesome.) Explain what you mean!
...And that you'll recognize familiar Pokemon music.
Uh, no...there are very few classic songs in Black and White.
Paul notes that level grinding is a major part of the gameplay and that it takes countless hours. He then out of nowhere starts talking about Team Plasma and...compares them to...okay, you just need to read this one.
"They remind me of the environmentalists who want all humans living in cities instead of living in harmony with nature."
Uh...I got nothin'. That collection of words has ceased to have meaning for me. It is as much a logical sentence as the church of Yevon is a legitimate religion.

How far are we...? HALFWAY THROUGH?! Be right back.
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
Okay, I'm back. My forehead will be red for a week, but other than that, I'm fine.

Anyway, let's continue. Paul says that Black and White have multiplayer, and that two to five people can play.
Wait, two to five?! The game's box says two to four! The Bulbapedia entry says two to four! Ten seconds on Google could tell you that! ...Dude, why is your forehead all red?

I fell down some stairs. After that travesty of math, Paul tells the poor souls still reading that the game is addictive, and that once you beat the game, the addiction diminishes. He spent $70 on both versions and felt he got his money's worth.
Finally, a comment that has some merit to it! For once, I agree!

Paul mentions he has one "quibble" (He's just making up words now!) against the game, and that it's the leveling up. I'll spare you an analysis of this solid block of pure stupid, I honestly doubt I could do it justice. All you need to know is that he wants Pokemon who weren't in the battle to gain EXP and that the current system just pads the game.
He's bitching about level grinding in an RPG! Is this man an alien? Seriously, nobody can review games and be this ignorant about them!

Paul wraps up by mentioning the evolution mechanic for no reason, and saying that the legendaries created the region (no they didn't) and he has no idea how they got these powers.
The same way Shedinja got semi-immortality and Wobuffet got the power to be ungodly annoying.

Paul mentions that Ghosts and Psychics are among the more powerful Pokemon in Black and White (really? Darmanitan and Excadrill say otherwise.) but that they have type weaknesses. He complains about multi-type Pokemon being annoying to fight, says he doesn't like Dark-Types...


And FINALLY ends by saying that the game requires basic reading skill and that it could be used to "assist in reading."
Or, y'know, keep small children/college students quiet in the car on a road trip. My GOD, was this wretched! He explained nothing, he made random points and had no structure to his review! He got basic facts wrong and he of course had to gripe about the Psychic, Dark and Ghost types! You're making Sableye and Gengar cry! There may not be a post next week people. This one was just...no words. I have no more words.

Since When Was "Anti-Family" A Thing?

I'm not gonna lie...this one's bad. Like, seriously, this review convinced me that "Working Man Gamer" has no idea what he's talking about. Yup, it's him again. You know you have serious problems when the guy reviewing Sonic '06 has the most valid points (and that's just the camera!). There's no point delaying it...this is FFG's review of Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

WMG starts out by telling us that this game teaches the player "get them before they get you."
Well, at least they're getting that 'video games must teach life lessons' crap out of the way early.

We are then told the point of the game (ringing out the opponent) and that various Nintendo characters are playable. WMG also mentions that Nintendo partnered with Sega and Konami for extra characters.
Um, no they didn't. Partnering would imply that Sega and Konami helped develop the game. In actuality, Nintendo just got permission to use their characters. There's a pretty big difference.

WMG then tells us that the graphics have "gone down the path of the dark side," and that every returning character now has a darker look.
Yeah, because Kirby and Pikachu just look downright menacing in Brawl!

After mentioning Sonic and Snake, WMG then says that Snake is from a violent series and that he doesn't fit in with the rest of the cast, then completely changing the subject and mentioning the single-player mode out of nowhere.
The whole point of a crossover is that you get completely different characters together! There's supposed to be dissonance in their looks. Line up pictures of Mario, Link and Samus and tell me that they'd all look normal standing in a room together!

It seems that the people at FFG can only say good things about a game's music, as they once again praise the game's soundtrack, like in the Sonic '06 and Marvel Ultimate Alliance reviews. However, another mainstay of their reviews is complaining about sound effects. They say that you can expect to hear characters grunt and scream as they die, and that characters like Kirby have "fun sounds" that seem odd amongst the violence.
It's a fighting game! Of course characters will grunt and scream when they're getting their asses kicked! His complaint about the "fun sounds" also goes right out the window when you remember that this is, once again, a crossover. That is the point!

We now get an explanation of Brawl's extra features, including the online mode and stage creator. WMG also says that Nintendo "included their normal amount of unlockable content."
What on earth does that even mean?! Does that mean that all Nintendo games have 30+ unlockable characters?! If I play The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword long enough, will I unlock Wolf from Star Fox?! Explain what you mean!

Almost done, almost done...okay, WMG says that the controls are simple, and that a "button masher going psycho" will be able to win most fights.
Yeah, fight Tabuu on any difficulty like that, just randomly mashing buttons. Go on, I freaking dare you.

He then says that the lesson the game teaches is "go crazy and you win."
Uh...no, everyone has their own fighting style, not everyone goes crazy. I prefer to keep on the offensive, but I know a guy who prefers to dodge constantly and wait for openings. It's all a matter of preference. Of course, this guy probably went through the game beating on the controller like he was trying to snap it in half.

WMG whines that the controls on the Wii aren't as good as the "Gamecube version."
Does he mean the controls aren't as good as Melee's? Because you can use the Gamecube controller, y'know. Or does he mean that the Wii Remote controls aren't as good as the Gamecube controllers? Or, hell, is he implying that there's a version of Brawl for the Gamecube? Seriously, be more clear when you say things!

Okay, last paragraph, you can do this, Random! WMG says that there are "anti-family people calling Super Smash Bros Brawl a family friendly video game."
Anti-family? Seriously? That doesn't even make sense! Are there people crusading against marriage and human reproduction? Do you think that there's some conspiracy to try to get all families doing things that aren't "family friendly?" I don't even...I have no words. This makes so little sense, I have no words. I'm done. All he says after this is that the game should only be played by adults (that's total bullcrap) and that he wants Nintendo to let the series die.

Oh, for the love of ARCEUS, this is bad! All this guy did was complain about the violence any chance he got! He was incredibly vague about anything not relating to that single, main point. He seems to have it in his head that if a game so much as shows someone throwing a punch, that it's like forcing your children to watch freaking SAW! Chill out, dude! When I was a kid, my uncle showed me Duke Nukem 64 and one of my favorite games was Outlaws for the PC. I played the original Smash Bros any chance I got, and there's nothing wrong with me, nor the other hundreds of people who played any game like Smash Bros! It's not "anti-family" and it isn't gratuitously violent. Just calm down a bit.

And so ends the first request post I've ever done. Another shout-out to KUKEDUKE for the suggestion, and if anyone else has a request, tell me, and I'll be sure to get back to you on it.