Beyond Good, Evil, AND Competency!

I apologize for the insanely long wait between these posts. I've probably said this before but I will make an attempt to be more on-the-ball with this and stop missing posts, especially considering this hasn't been so much a "missed post" as "dropping off the face of the Earth," Anyways, we've got another reader suggestion this time, from Neo_Lion1991. Coincidentally, this will also be the first time I look at a review of a game I have not played, unless you count Ninja Gaiden Black, since I've only ever played Sigma. All right, let's check out FFG's review of Beyond Good & Evil.

Our reviewer this time is Paul. It doesn't say whether it's the same Paul who reviewed Pokemon Black and Pokemon White, but I'm going under the assumption that it is. Paul begins by saying that Beyond Good & Evil came from their request page, and mentions that it is available on the Gamecube, Xbox, PC and PS2, but he played the PS2 version for this review. He says that the game  was critically praised, but that "following the crowds has never been something Family Friendly Gaming has ever been about."
No, you're about over-analyzing video games and over-reacting to the smallest thing that doesn't meet your approval...*looks around* What? Tell me I'm wrong!

He describes Jade as a "journalist, photographer and anti-establishment paranoid woman," and that "she starts out with a pig-man who has helped raise her." He describes how there is a rebellion going on against the government and "this outside force," and that attacks on Jade's planet are common, mentioning the killing of enemies as an "unhappy chore."
Has this guy EVER seen Star Wars?! I mean, I've never even touched this game, but I am looking it up so I can verify Paul's claims, and the plot sounds a little bit like Star Wars. Rebellion, war in space, evil empire...I mean, I could be horribly wrong, but it sounds at least somewhat similar. Does this guy have a problem with rebelling against oppressive, evil governments? This guy would HATE Eragon, Star Wars, The Bartimaeus Trilogy (particularly the parts with Kitty), The Hunger Games...
You done yet?
...*catches breath* Proceed.

Paul says that the graphics are dark and that it makes it hard to see where you're supposed to go, and that the camera is troublesome. Paul mentions that dead bodies are left on the ground in certain areas, and that there are instances of characters being tortured, kidnapped and killed, mentions that there are "minor occult symbols" and that "Jade's attire is borderline enticement to lust.
First of all, the game is rated "T." Just because something has cartoon animals in it doesn't mean it was intended for kids. Look at Jak & Daxter for an example. That game is intended for teens and young adults - so is Beyond Good & Evil. Second, if the game's too dark, you can just change the brightness on the TV. I mean, sure, it is kind of a flaw in the game, but an easily fixed one. Third, Jade's clothes do not "entice lust." Ivy from Soul Calibur IV, Litchi Faye-Ling from BlazBlue, Rachel from Ninja Gaiden - those are characters with revealing outfits. Jade wears a tank top, jacket and jeans. That is not an outfit with a lot of sex appeal.
"There are also images of animals that may be encouraging the religion of evolution."
What.
"There are also images of animals that may be encouraging the religion of evolution." 
ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME?! Evolution is not a religion. Islam is a religion. Judaism is a religion. Christianity is a religion. Hell, even Scientology is a religion. EVOLUTION IS NOT A RELIGION. People do not go to science labs and pray to Darwin! Evolution is a widely-accepted scientific theory, perhaps the most widely-accepted next to THE BIG FREAKING BANG! How many more paragraphs are in this thing?
Three.
Bring it on.

 Paul mentions that there is some foul language and that God's name is used in vain a few times. He also mentions "minor name-calling and gross humor."
How can you complain about a pig that uses fart-powered jet boots?! How can you complain about something that awesome?!
He also mentions the sounds of characters being tortured, and that the good sound quality makes it more disturbing. Okay, I'll give him that one, sounds of torture are unnerving, no matter what medium they're in. He also complains that the game is hard and that the death sound will get annoying over time, and from what I've heard about this game, that's still a legitimate point.

Next is a complaint that there is little reason to play a level again, except to get pictures and items.
So...the same reason anyone backtracks in a game?
Paul remarks that the game's content will turn away most players (judging by the game's reputation, it didn't) and that the game is a waste of money. He then begins...praising the controls? Hello, non-sequitar, how are you? Oh, this was just to segue into his gripe about the levels being poorly designed and that it's hard to find your way around.
Gee, it's almost like you have to look for where to go! The sources I've found say that the game plays a bit like a Sci-Fi Zelda, meaning that it makes sense to have to look for your next objective. I could be completely wrong, but that's just what I infer.

Paul begins his final paragraph by saying that the game teaches the player to distrust the government and "disobey the authorities God has allowed over you." 
You mean like how America rebelled against the British because of insane taxes and generally being treated like crap? Yeah, I got facts, too, buddy - a rebellion isn't bad if the people being rebelled against are in the wrong, you moron

 He then says that the game was a "chore to play and that the ending is open for a sequel (which is being developed, but this was not so at the time of this review). Paul goes on the remark that he "has no interested in a sequel."
Or proper grammar and spelling, for that matter.
He says that he will "happily put this game in the vault..."
There's a vault? ...Does it have Battletoads? 
and that "there are better games."
Name one. I'm serious. Name one game you see as better than this one, and why. There must be at least one game you can approve of that wasn't meant for small children. I doubt anyone from FFG would ever see this "challenge," but I would LOVE to see what they'd list as a "better game." Hell, I'd love to see a list of games, one for every review I've done. But that's never happening. These people seem to me like the kind who think their opinion is law. But I digress. This review had a few legitimate points, but it was bogged down by nonsensical complaints and pointless bitching about the most trivial things, like Jade's supposedly risque outfit. Unless I get another reader suggestion, next week will be one from my list. Until next time, later.