Anger Leads To Hate, Hate Leads To Suffering...And Boy, Am I Suffering

Holy crap, I'm actually ahead of schedule! Well, lookit me, all official and stuff. So, our review today is, as usual, one from FFG. This time it's their review of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. I don't actually have much to say about this game, personally. I only played through it one time when it first came out, and I got it on the Wii. As such, I missed out on a lot of content that was cut from that version.

Hey, remember Sam? Y'know, the dude from the Arkham Asylum and Mega Man 9 reviews? Yeah, it's him again. He starts the review innocently enough, saying that he knows the game is an older one and that he knows it has a sequel, but that he wants to start at the beginning...like how he does when he first read the Bible.
...Kay. That was a bit out of the blue, but okay.
He then describes the plot in two sentences, saying that you're Darth Vader's apprentice and that he's going to use you to kill Emperor Palpatine. He then adds "Can you feel the love?"
...Heh.
-_-
...It was funny!

Sam says that the graphics gave him a headache several times...then starts talking about the camera and violence.
He does know that the camera does not technically fall under the category of "graphics," right?
What do you think?
Stupid question!
And then he complains that he "lost count of how many thousands of aliens and robots [he] murdered" and that many enemies look the same.
More of the same from FFG, complaining about violence in a hack-and-slash. Next they'll say that there's too much driving in Mario Kart!

After that, Sam praises the music and calls the voice acting "stellar." Sam then decides to take a complete 180 and say that the voice actors lack emotional range, and that all they do is "look dark side and hatred."
Was that a sentence? It didn't look like a sentence.
He then says that this part of the game is "boring and unsettling."
So, wait - is the voice acting really good, or is it boring? Pick a side and stick with it!

Oh, this is where we get to my favorite part of any FFG review - incoherent complaints! Sam begins this paragraph by saying how you can unlock trophies and find unlockable upgrades. He then notes that he "finds it funny when a game wants you to hurry, but hides things which encourages looking around."
You're supposed to go back and re-do the level once you know the layout so you can...ah screw it, it's pointless explaining.
And then out of nowhere he just says that he feels like his money was wasted.
No, seriously. Apropos of nothing he just comes right the hell outta nowhere and says this.

Whatever, we're almost done. Once again, an FFG reviewer complains about there being violence in a hack-and-slash and that it's all you do.
Not five seconds ago you told us that there were upgrades to look around for! Doesn't that imply that there's more to do than just kill enemies?!
He does mention that you occasionally use the Force (oh, and he never capitalizes "The Force") to open a door or something, but that's it. He acts like this game is just blindly killing enemies.
Okay, go into any respectable hack-and-slash or beat-em-up that isn't Asura's Wrath or Deathspank and just mash the button with no strategy. Tell me how long you last.

And now it's time for my other favorite part! This is the part where we have the reviewer sum up the review by saying things that he didn't actually bring up in the review itself! Let's see, we've got...saying the game entices lust...
It kinda doesn't, since the only questionably-dressed women are trying to kill your ass.
and of course, claiming that the Force is evil. Not that the dark side is evil, that the Force itself is an evil source.
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

Sam, dude...what happened? You were so good in the Mega Man 9 review!
I guess he can't really enjoy anything above an E-rating, huh?
I guess. Oh, one last point. I fin it kind of funny that, underneath a lot of their reviews, you can see links to buy the game the reviewed on Amazon, even if they literally just told you not to play it.
Anyway, what's next week?
Either Skyrim or Arkham City, depending on which one people want more. Till then, folks.