Anger Leads To Hate, Hate Leads To Suffering...And Boy, Am I Suffering

Holy crap, I'm actually ahead of schedule! Well, lookit me, all official and stuff. So, our review today is, as usual, one from FFG. This time it's their review of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. I don't actually have much to say about this game, personally. I only played through it one time when it first came out, and I got it on the Wii. As such, I missed out on a lot of content that was cut from that version.

Hey, remember Sam? Y'know, the dude from the Arkham Asylum and Mega Man 9 reviews? Yeah, it's him again. He starts the review innocently enough, saying that he knows the game is an older one and that he knows it has a sequel, but that he wants to start at the beginning...like how he does when he first read the Bible.
...Kay. That was a bit out of the blue, but okay.
He then describes the plot in two sentences, saying that you're Darth Vader's apprentice and that he's going to use you to kill Emperor Palpatine. He then adds "Can you feel the love?"
...Heh.
-_-
...It was funny!

Sam says that the graphics gave him a headache several times...then starts talking about the camera and violence.
He does know that the camera does not technically fall under the category of "graphics," right?
What do you think?
Stupid question!
And then he complains that he "lost count of how many thousands of aliens and robots [he] murdered" and that many enemies look the same.
More of the same from FFG, complaining about violence in a hack-and-slash. Next they'll say that there's too much driving in Mario Kart!

After that, Sam praises the music and calls the voice acting "stellar." Sam then decides to take a complete 180 and say that the voice actors lack emotional range, and that all they do is "look dark side and hatred."
Was that a sentence? It didn't look like a sentence.
He then says that this part of the game is "boring and unsettling."
So, wait - is the voice acting really good, or is it boring? Pick a side and stick with it!

Oh, this is where we get to my favorite part of any FFG review - incoherent complaints! Sam begins this paragraph by saying how you can unlock trophies and find unlockable upgrades. He then notes that he "finds it funny when a game wants you to hurry, but hides things which encourages looking around."
You're supposed to go back and re-do the level once you know the layout so you can...ah screw it, it's pointless explaining.
And then out of nowhere he just says that he feels like his money was wasted.
No, seriously. Apropos of nothing he just comes right the hell outta nowhere and says this.

Whatever, we're almost done. Once again, an FFG reviewer complains about there being violence in a hack-and-slash and that it's all you do.
Not five seconds ago you told us that there were upgrades to look around for! Doesn't that imply that there's more to do than just kill enemies?!
He does mention that you occasionally use the Force (oh, and he never capitalizes "The Force") to open a door or something, but that's it. He acts like this game is just blindly killing enemies.
Okay, go into any respectable hack-and-slash or beat-em-up that isn't Asura's Wrath or Deathspank and just mash the button with no strategy. Tell me how long you last.

And now it's time for my other favorite part! This is the part where we have the reviewer sum up the review by saying things that he didn't actually bring up in the review itself! Let's see, we've got...saying the game entices lust...
It kinda doesn't, since the only questionably-dressed women are trying to kill your ass.
and of course, claiming that the Force is evil. Not that the dark side is evil, that the Force itself is an evil source.
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

Sam, dude...what happened? You were so good in the Mega Man 9 review!
I guess he can't really enjoy anything above an E-rating, huh?
I guess. Oh, one last point. I fin it kind of funny that, underneath a lot of their reviews, you can see links to buy the game the reviewed on Amazon, even if they literally just told you not to play it.
Anyway, what's next week?
Either Skyrim or Arkham City, depending on which one people want more. Till then, folks.

An Assault On Your Sanity

Alright, first review of my blog's revival, and it's a request! Star Fox Assault, as reviewed by...Luke again. Oh, for the love of...can I go back to retirement?

Anyway, the review starts out bemoaning the fact that "Starfox" (pretty sure it's supposed to be two separate words, but that's far from this review's biggest issue) is darker and more mature than most of Nintendo's other games and that it "shatters Nintendo's squeaky clean video game carefully crafted image." I did not edit that abomination of a sentence in any way.
Great to be back, baby!
Ah crap, I forgot about you.
I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED! So, Nintendo is supposed to be kiddy, huh? Okay, readers? Do me a favor and look up these next few titles: Metroid Prime, Baten Kaitos Origins, Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem. Go ahead, I'll wait...
...
...you back? Sweet. Notice how (if you used Wikipedia or any game-reviewing website) that they all have pretty good scores and are all rated "T" or higher? That's because nobody gives a rat's ass about Nintendo releasing a mature game, you imbecile.

Luke then compares Star Fox Assault to Grand Theft Auto, because he really needed to make it clear to the reader that he has no clue what he's talking about.
Well, it was very considerate of him to clarify that.
Now, I haven't seen much gameplay of Star Fox Assault, but one thing I do know is that it is nothing like Grand Theft Auto. If you can show me a Grand Theft Auto game that features space flight and laser-shooting tanks, I will buy that game in a heartbeat.
Rockstar, please make that DLC for GTA V!

And to round out this block of pure stupid disguised as a paragraph, Luke complains that the game has "female characters acting highly seductively, sexually, and sending gamers all the wrong messages."
...Okay. I...really have to do this again, don't I? Alright, I'll play your game.

Meet Krystal. She is (from what I can gather, correct me if I'm wrong) the only female lead in Star Fox Assault. Notice how unrevealing her outfit is, and how it in no way exposes any part of her body that could be considered fanservce, aside from the very top of her chest? Yeah, that's not a sexualized character from what I see.

Meet Rachel from Ninja Gaiden. Need I say more?

Ah crap we're only a paragraph in. Strap in, people. Luke mentions that the game is Nintendo's attempt to attract gamers who are into more violent games and that the violence was "so often, and so over the top that it took me nearly a month to detox my brain from the damaging effects."

Okay, from what gameplay footage I've found online, the game looks completely bloodless (and fun, why the hell haven't I played this?) And, on that note, who in the name of Din needs to detox their brain after playing a violent game? Luke, dude...you're a lightweight.

This is followed by a paragraph about the sound, noting that the Gamecube normally has good music but that this game "needs a brand new orchestra."

No...no it doesn't. Look up Star Wolf's theme from this game on Youtube, it's awesome!

And, of course, he starts complaining about the sounds of explosions and such in a game based around war. 

WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING ?!

The third paragraph closes out with Luke noting that the game contains swearing and that it "has no place in a video game coming from Nintendo."

Ahem.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (Nintendo Wii) - "Damn!" (Admiral Dane)

Baten Kaitos Origins (Nintendo Gamecube) - "You bastards!" "Go to hell, you son of a bitch!" (Sagi)

Shadow The Hedgehog (Multiplatform game, available on Nintendo Gamecube) - "You're going straight to hell!" "Where's that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald?" "Damn, not here!" (Shadow) "Hold still, you devil!" (The Commander)

Mega Man X (SNES) - "Damn!" (X)

I think I've made my point.

Luke then goes on to...mention the unlockable content. Okay, dude, uh...you do that. It's really just a way for him to segue into complaining how "none of it feels like much of a reward." He even mentions the fact that the game includes the NES shooter Xevious as an unlockable bonus and that it "felt more like a punishment than a reward to me."

...You're an idiot. No, seriously. You're an idiot. That makes no sense! Who is twisting your arm and forcing you to play the unlockable game? Why is having the opportunity to play an old NES game a "punishment?" That's like saying the NES Metroid in Metroid Prime or the NES Ninja Gaiden games in the Xbox Ninja Gaiden was a punishment!

Oh wow, he finally got around to describing the gameplay. It's noting too noteworthy, he just says that you can run around, get into vehicles and explore. He also complains that the missions are often timed and that it's sometimes confusing on how to complete them.

Again, these people complain that a game is violent, then complain more when the game makes it harder to perform said violence! Make up your mind!

Oh thank Nayru, last paragraph.

Before anyone asks why we mention fictional gods rather than real ones, the reason is two-fold.

1) We can ensure that we don't insult or offend anyone's beliefs by accident.

2) Shut up, imaginary person who complained, it's funnier this way.

Oh yay, more of the same bullcrap we got in the Batman: Arkham Asylum review where the reviewer starts questioning the heroes' morals because they have "bad attitudes" and "disrespect."

Oh, so a person is good if they act pleasant and polite, huh? Okay. I'll just leave these here.

THIS. WAS. PAIN. This may have been one of the worst reviews I've read on this site, and that really is saying something. I mean, the sheer fact that Luke bashed the game simply for violence and it being a "T" rated Gamecube game despite there being plenty of "T" rated Gamecube games and Nintendo games in general (many of them being very good. Seriously, play Baten Kaitos Origins, it's amazing) is astounding. It makes it obvious that these people are not gamers, and in fact may not actually know how to write a review. Hmm...gives me an idea. How's about (if I get no requests by my next post) that I post a review of a game I recently bought and played through? I think I might just do that. This blog won't become a game reviewing blog, but I'll try my hand at it and see if I can't make a better review than these people. Which game am I considering reviewing? Here's a hint - its initials are "HN."

I'M ALIVE...But This Next Review Makes Me Wish I Wasn't

So, I've decided to revive this blog and keep critiquing these reviews. Why? Because I am an incredibly bored person. Anyway, I can't promise a consistent schedule (not like I ever did, let's be perfectly honest here) but I will try to make posts on at least a semi-regular basis.

And the next review? A request from a year ago! Let's hope Neo_Lion is still reading this thing, because next time I'll be covering FFG's review of Star Fox Assault.

Till then, readers.

You Asked For It...Halo Wars. Plus A Bonus!

Ah, my first day to myself in a few months! I think I'll spend it playing some Asura's Wrath. *Notices Cody S's. request for Halo Wars* Ah, dammit.

Halo Wars is a bit of a contested entry in the Halo Series. Some I've talked to think its story would have worked better as an FPS. Others argue that the RTS system is actually pretty well done on the 360, since to my knowledge RTS games are normally only seen on PC, rarely being made for consoles. Let's see what FFG has to say about it.

Our reviewer today Frank, from the Skyward Sword review, or at least I'm assuming it's the same guy. He opens by saying that the real-time strategy genre is "slightly better than the first person shooter genre."
So, right off the bat we're starting with a completely opinion-based, subjective statement that can easily be disagreed with due to personal preferences. Yay.
He then goes on to explain the basic gameplay. Okay, nothing too bad so far. This is followed by two bland statements that I could literally paste into a review of almost anything. " Between each level the storyline unfolds in some nice cinema style movies."
Like most modern games?
"The characters have different attitudes, and they routinely clash."
*Tommy Wiseau voice* Oh hai, incredibly broad statement.
This paragraph closes on an explanation that Halo Wars takes place 20 years before the other Halo games, "which ultimately tells us what will be coming in the future."
Um...no. No it doesn't.

Frank goes on to praise Halo Wars on the "nice details " in its graphics, then immediately pulls  a 180 and starts bashing it for reusing images and even says that there are "female characters who wear skin-tight clothing."
 
This is Serina, one of only two female characters in Halo Wars. She is wearing a lab coat.

 
This is Ellen Anders, the other prominent female character in Halo Wars. She is also wearing a lab coat.

 
This is Zero Suit Samus. She is wearing skin-tight-clothing. The other two...not so much.
 After that mass of concentrated stupid, Frank mentions that the cutscenes are of good quality, and that the blood and gore-
 There's no gore in Halo!
He could talking about The Flood.
Oh right. 
-the blood and gore are, at least, small and hard to see.

Now we run into a recurring problem with a lot of FFG's reviewers - they contradict themselves constantly. Frank mentions that the sound in Halo Wars is "top notch," but then instantly bitches about cursing and repetitive sound bytes. He also starts talking about the enemies, and this is where I honestly cannot fathom what this guy is thinking. Frank mentions that the aliens are "shown to be people of faith" and that "in many ways they act more 'honorable' than the good guys."
You mean like capturing a human scientist and attempting to wipe out an entire human city during an invasion on a colony? Not to mention the fact that the Covenant are repeatedly shown to do horrible things and their religion has been proven to be a hollow lie maintained by the Prophets to maintain control over the various alien races! This crap is honorable?!

Frank mentions the various different modes of play and then start complaining about difficulty. He then says that "certain levels have to be played a specific way, or failure is guaranteed."
You mean like every video game ever?
He then says that the game is repetitive, and that life seems to have no value, as lost troops can always be replaced. He finishes by saying that it "teaches some lessons in war, but not always overtly," and that he "never had to explain to thousands of parents why their child died."
Are you serious? Are you really being serious here? I can barely even think of a response to something this stupid. If dying soldiers disturbs you, then just consider - if this game is like the other Halo games, then they probably respawned back on the ship, like Chief and Noble Six do in co-op and multiplayer. It doesn't make sense from a story perspective, but you can think of it that way if you want.
Frank makes one more parting comment, that he was "not sure" if he was "fighting on the right side or not" and that the game "led to a lot of prayer."
THE COVENANT ARE SCARY DOGMATIC ALIENS WHO WANT TO USE ANCIENT SUPERWEAPONS TO WIPE OUT MANKIND! THERE IS NO MORAL GRAY AREA HERE!

Speaking of morality, how's about a second review for this post?
Sure, why the hell not? Nothing can be worse than that last one.
They had someone review inFamous.
CraaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Our reviewer this time is Luke. Let's see if The Force is with him or not.
That joke sucked.
Shut it! He starts out mentioning that he got inFamous for free due to the PSN hacking debacle, and he briefly notes that they announced a sequel. Frank then mentions that the main character Cole is "a super powered man who gains more skills as the game goes on" and that "lightning is his main power."
No, lightning is not Cole's "main power," for a few reasons. The first being that lightning is not synonymous with electricity - lightning is a bolt of electricity discharged during thunderstorms, while electricity is the broad term for electrical power. Only a few of Cole's attacks involve lightning bolts, mainly his Bolt and Lightning Storm attacks, and if you meant that electricity is his main power, then that's still wrong - it's his only power! Saying it's his "main power" implies he has others, which in inFamous 1, he doesn't!

Luke complains that the graphics in inFamous are grainy (like an old comic book. This was intentional.) and that the camera "gave him a migraine."
I'll admit, the camera in inFamous does seem to want you dead at times.
He then says that "the core of inFamous is violence ," "there is blood, gore and death..."
There is one instance of silhouetted gore in a cutscene!
...and that the people look realistic, making him feel bad about killing them.
Then play a Hero character and revive them with Healing Pulse. Seriously, this isn't that hard to figure out.

Luke, as usual for FFG reviewers, complains about swearing...
What little swearing there is in freaking inFamous! 
...and says that the music and voice acting all elicited negative responses from him.

He briefly mentions the trophies that are now standard in all PS3 games, and that he has no reasons to play inFamous. Luke then complains that the gameplay is "frustrating," and that "jumping on certain things was nearly impossible."
Okay, that happened sometimes in inFamous 1, but it's not like it was constant! It's no reason to condemn the entirety of the gameplay.
He says the game explains some aspects but not others, and that he often had to get help to complete mission.
The game explains new types of missions as you encounter them. After a certain point, the designers assume the player is intelligent enough to remember what to do.
Luke closes this paragraph by saying that the NPC's constantly remind you of your mission objective.
Uh...no, they kind of don't...

Luke ends this farce by saying that inFamous is "disturbed" and that it teaches to player to "worship death."
No,  inFamous teaches about morality and the consequences of your actions. It tries to get across the message that being selfish will net short-term benefits, but long-term losses, while selflessness and sacrifice will lead to long-term victories that it is overall better to think about the people at large rather than yourself. But this guy didn't even mention inFamous' karma system or it's deep, awesome plot. All he saw was "game where killing is possible" and based his argument on that, never once looking into the deeper meaning behind inFamous. It's almost like he didn't even play inFamous, but just read a Wikipedia article about it!

The Ultimate Showdown Of COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT.

Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3 is kind of a tricky game. It's meant to be accessible to newcomers, and, to a point, it is. The controls are simple and easy-to-learn, and the mission mode gives players some sample combos to practice until they can learn the more complex stuff. On the other hand, if you're a casual player, and you fight someone who knows the game inside-and-out...there is no hope for you. You WILL be ended. But enough logical analysis of the game, let's hear what FFG has to say!

Our reviewer is Sam again, a.k.a the only reviewer on this site I have even a modicum of respect for, and that's only for his Mega Man 9 review (ironically, another Capcom game). He starts out by explaining that UMvC3 is a better version of MvC3, there's new content and that he's reviewing the 360 version.
All right, basic stuff so far. I'm not seeing anything too bad.

Sam then describes what a fighting game is and explains how UMvC3 is. My only complaint is that the way he words this paragraph, it seems like he's saying all fighting games involves teams of 3 characters, but still nothing major.

He makes a brief quip about how flashy the Hyper Combos are (but doesn't mention them by name) and then describes UMvC3 as like a club, and that it's "the opposite of a family."
Oh, for the love of... That's like saying that sports are "exclusive" because you won't do well if you don't practice! Families are based around unconditional love and emotional bonds that are formed through living with someone and knowing them. Gaming communities, sports, clubs and the like are based around mutual interest and skill in a certain area. Just because you can't instantly be good at something the second you pick it up doesn't mean it's exclusive!

We then get the usual spiel we get from FFG about female characters wearing revealing outfits, and he mentions that "almost every female character" is dressed like this.
Y'know, except for Trone Bonne, Jill, Phoenix, Amaterasu... 
Isn't she technically naked?
She's a wolf, you sick freak!
Sam then notes that while there is violence, the special attack cover it.
Um...no they don't...Shin Shoryuken, Fourth Wall Crisis, Final Justice, Bionic Maneuvers, Maximum Spider, Tools Of Survival...all of these are attacks that are quite "violent" and clearly shown. If he's talking about projectiles, then he's still wrong! A beam attack isn't covering the violence, the beam is the violence!

Time to talk about sound. Sam gets some respect points for mentioning that the narrator's voice made him feel like he was at the arcade, but loses some for then complaining about language. He does, however, compliment the music, which is, admittedly, one of the cooler aspects of UMvC3.

"Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 contains a dizzying amount of unlockable content."
Um, no it doesn't.
"Two players can bash each others faces in locally, or go online to do it with up to eight players. There are leaderboards so you can see where you stack up."
None of that is unlockable! The only unlockables are Galactus mode, titles and things in the gallery! There are no secret characters, stages or modes. A Gallery full of images and character theme songs is not "dizzying."

And now we get to the true idiocy of the review. Sam essentially splits players of this game into two groups - button mashers and "people who have a degree in the controls." He also says that a button masher like him (he admits this) can win most of their fights and that this "irritates those that take the time to comprehend the fighting system in Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3."
No. No no no. I say thee nay. That is completely wrong. A button masher will not last 5 seconds against someone who knows what they're doing. Furthermore, there is a fairly large difference between "button mashing beginner" and "200-hit combo wielding god."

 Sam warns the reader that this game is an "adults only" game and that despite the point of the game being to defeat Galactus, he feels like he was just "fighting for the sake of fighting."
It's. A fighting. Game. OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO BE FIGHTING! Defeating Galactus is only the point of the Arcade mode - most people bought this game to play it against other people, which is, indeed, fighting for the sake of fighting.
 Sam says that he has "matured beyond this" and that he'd rather be out helping people. 

The final paragraph has Sam state that UMvC3 is for adults only, and that it will encourage aggressive behavior in children, "as scientific studies have shown." He ends by asking if you think your children will be able to handle the content in UMvC3.
Video games do not cause violence! Holy crap, how many times are people going to say this?! Look, I'm not going to go into that here - Penn and Teller tackled it quite nicely, I recommend their episode on the subject. Just because a part of the brain lights up doesn't mean that the stimulus in question enhances, encourages or causes any kind of behavior! And no, I don't think small children should play UMvC, and I doubt anyone else would, either - maybe that's why there's a clearly visible "T" on the front of the box!
This review completely lost any credibility near the end, because Sam clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. I have a review in mind for next week, unless someone gives me a request beforehand. Until then, dear readers.

Beyond Good, Evil, AND Competency!

I apologize for the insanely long wait between these posts. I've probably said this before but I will make an attempt to be more on-the-ball with this and stop missing posts, especially considering this hasn't been so much a "missed post" as "dropping off the face of the Earth," Anyways, we've got another reader suggestion this time, from Neo_Lion1991. Coincidentally, this will also be the first time I look at a review of a game I have not played, unless you count Ninja Gaiden Black, since I've only ever played Sigma. All right, let's check out FFG's review of Beyond Good & Evil.

Our reviewer this time is Paul. It doesn't say whether it's the same Paul who reviewed Pokemon Black and Pokemon White, but I'm going under the assumption that it is. Paul begins by saying that Beyond Good & Evil came from their request page, and mentions that it is available on the Gamecube, Xbox, PC and PS2, but he played the PS2 version for this review. He says that the game  was critically praised, but that "following the crowds has never been something Family Friendly Gaming has ever been about."
No, you're about over-analyzing video games and over-reacting to the smallest thing that doesn't meet your approval...*looks around* What? Tell me I'm wrong!

He describes Jade as a "journalist, photographer and anti-establishment paranoid woman," and that "she starts out with a pig-man who has helped raise her." He describes how there is a rebellion going on against the government and "this outside force," and that attacks on Jade's planet are common, mentioning the killing of enemies as an "unhappy chore."
Has this guy EVER seen Star Wars?! I mean, I've never even touched this game, but I am looking it up so I can verify Paul's claims, and the plot sounds a little bit like Star Wars. Rebellion, war in space, evil empire...I mean, I could be horribly wrong, but it sounds at least somewhat similar. Does this guy have a problem with rebelling against oppressive, evil governments? This guy would HATE Eragon, Star Wars, The Bartimaeus Trilogy (particularly the parts with Kitty), The Hunger Games...
You done yet?
...*catches breath* Proceed.

Paul says that the graphics are dark and that it makes it hard to see where you're supposed to go, and that the camera is troublesome. Paul mentions that dead bodies are left on the ground in certain areas, and that there are instances of characters being tortured, kidnapped and killed, mentions that there are "minor occult symbols" and that "Jade's attire is borderline enticement to lust.
First of all, the game is rated "T." Just because something has cartoon animals in it doesn't mean it was intended for kids. Look at Jak & Daxter for an example. That game is intended for teens and young adults - so is Beyond Good & Evil. Second, if the game's too dark, you can just change the brightness on the TV. I mean, sure, it is kind of a flaw in the game, but an easily fixed one. Third, Jade's clothes do not "entice lust." Ivy from Soul Calibur IV, Litchi Faye-Ling from BlazBlue, Rachel from Ninja Gaiden - those are characters with revealing outfits. Jade wears a tank top, jacket and jeans. That is not an outfit with a lot of sex appeal.
"There are also images of animals that may be encouraging the religion of evolution."
What.
"There are also images of animals that may be encouraging the religion of evolution." 
ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME?! Evolution is not a religion. Islam is a religion. Judaism is a religion. Christianity is a religion. Hell, even Scientology is a religion. EVOLUTION IS NOT A RELIGION. People do not go to science labs and pray to Darwin! Evolution is a widely-accepted scientific theory, perhaps the most widely-accepted next to THE BIG FREAKING BANG! How many more paragraphs are in this thing?
Three.
Bring it on.

 Paul mentions that there is some foul language and that God's name is used in vain a few times. He also mentions "minor name-calling and gross humor."
How can you complain about a pig that uses fart-powered jet boots?! How can you complain about something that awesome?!
He also mentions the sounds of characters being tortured, and that the good sound quality makes it more disturbing. Okay, I'll give him that one, sounds of torture are unnerving, no matter what medium they're in. He also complains that the game is hard and that the death sound will get annoying over time, and from what I've heard about this game, that's still a legitimate point.

Next is a complaint that there is little reason to play a level again, except to get pictures and items.
So...the same reason anyone backtracks in a game?
Paul remarks that the game's content will turn away most players (judging by the game's reputation, it didn't) and that the game is a waste of money. He then begins...praising the controls? Hello, non-sequitar, how are you? Oh, this was just to segue into his gripe about the levels being poorly designed and that it's hard to find your way around.
Gee, it's almost like you have to look for where to go! The sources I've found say that the game plays a bit like a Sci-Fi Zelda, meaning that it makes sense to have to look for your next objective. I could be completely wrong, but that's just what I infer.

Paul begins his final paragraph by saying that the game teaches the player to distrust the government and "disobey the authorities God has allowed over you." 
You mean like how America rebelled against the British because of insane taxes and generally being treated like crap? Yeah, I got facts, too, buddy - a rebellion isn't bad if the people being rebelled against are in the wrong, you moron

 He then says that the game was a "chore to play and that the ending is open for a sequel (which is being developed, but this was not so at the time of this review). Paul goes on the remark that he "has no interested in a sequel."
Or proper grammar and spelling, for that matter.
He says that he will "happily put this game in the vault..."
There's a vault? ...Does it have Battletoads? 
and that "there are better games."
Name one. I'm serious. Name one game you see as better than this one, and why. There must be at least one game you can approve of that wasn't meant for small children. I doubt anyone from FFG would ever see this "challenge," but I would LOVE to see what they'd list as a "better game." Hell, I'd love to see a list of games, one for every review I've done. But that's never happening. These people seem to me like the kind who think their opinion is law. But I digress. This review had a few legitimate points, but it was bogged down by nonsensical complaints and pointless bitching about the most trivial things, like Jade's supposedly risque outfit. Unless I get another reader suggestion, next week will be one from my list. Until next time, later.

A Review That's Actually Decent?! SORCERY!!!

I've been meaning to do this one for a while, to be honest. It just kinda floated in Limbo until DynamiteNinja requested it be done. I appreciate any requests that my readers have to offer, so if you want me to look at an particular FFG review, all you have to do is speak up. Without further ado, let's dive right into FFG's review of one of my personal favorite games, Mega Man 9.

Remember Sam, from the Batman: Arkham Asylum review? Turns out he also produced this review. Great. Sam starts out by saying that Mega Man 9 is a legitimate sequel to the classic series (okay, I'll give him that) and that Mega Man fans "may not have been the most patient as they waded through Mega Man X, Mega Man Battle Network and more.
Oh no, you are not going to bust on Mega Man X! X4 and X8 are 2 of my favorite Mega Man games!

He then states that the game brings back the old school style and that you can download it on Wii, PS3 and 360 for 10 bucks. Okay, nothing too bad so far.

Sam notes that the game's visuals are reminiscent of the NES, and he gets some bonus points for knowing  what NES actually stands for (Nintendo Entertainment System). He does mention that it looks better than any NES game. He for some reason starts talking about how Mega Mega is a robot that fights other robots, but then segues that into praise for the game's bright colors, like in the boss explosions.
Are we sure this is the same guy? He seems a lot more coherent than in the Arkham Asylum review.
They're either not the same guy or he has less problems and less to complain about with The Blue Bomber than he did with Bats.
Indeed.

The next paragraph starts out with Sam complimenting the game's 8-bit sounds and music, and that it reminds him of his childhood.
I think an FFG reviewer just pulled a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming...o_o
Everybody gets one, I guess.

And now he gets to the reason most players, myself included, play classic Mega Man - the challenge. Sam explains that Mega Man 9 will challenge the player and that one must be competitive to beat it. he then shows that he actually knows what he;s talking about by explaining the Mega Man formula.
Before anyone attacks me for being a hypocrite, let me explain why this is okay, but explaining the Pokemon and Zelda formulas was something to complain about. The way I see it, Mega Man is not as widely played or known as Pokemon or Zelda. If you ask any random person to describe Pokemon, their answer will probably involve catching monsters and fighting with them. Everyone knows this. Similarly, if you ask a gamer what Zelda is about, even if they don't play Zelda, you'll probably get an answer that could apply to most of the games - princess is captured, go save her. However, since most modern gamers, in my eyes, do not know Mega Man as well, I feel this explanation of Mega Man was somewhat justified.

Ooooookaaaay...now that that's over...Sam wraps up by saying that Mega Man 9 teaches the player to solve problems with violence, but that it also teaches to practice your skills (referring to the Robot Master weapons) and to stand up to evil.  This review was written before Mega Man 10 was announced, and Sam wonders if there will be a Mega Man 10. He says that if you like a challenge you should give Mega Man 9 a try.

To be honest...this was pretty good. The only problem I had with it was Sam mentioning that the game teaches the player to use violence, and his unwarranted potshot at the X and Battle Network series. Other than that, it wasn't that bad. If anyone else has a request, feel free to mention it. Otherwise, next week will just be a random review from my list.